Any Felicity fans out there?
This post is long overdue.
These photos -- the first/best photos of me since cutting, losing and regrowing my hair -- were taken back in November. That feels like eons ago. Since then I've had two hair cuts!
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| New version of me, November 2015 |
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| This is 40. And a half. |
A friend of mine, Elise, took these photos. I remember feeling happy and free and beautiful that day, and when I look at these photos I see that in my face.
But the truth is, I am still grieving my old self while I am learning to love my new self. It is hard to look at old photos and see the old me. The youthful me, with long, brown hair. I am not quite used to seeing myself with short hair. I am not used to seeing myself so gray. I am not used to seeing so much of my face. I am not used to seeing my body so soft. The newness is hard. Change is hard.
When I opted to remove my ovaries and tubes -- to willingly enter menopause at 40 -- I didn't consider the emotional impact. I prepared myself for (some of) the physical changes, but I didn't prepare myself for how I'd feel about them. It's not just the hair, it's the aging that happened overnight.
I could just dye my hair (again). And I can grow it out. I can exercise more. I might do all of these things. And don't get me wrong, I do love me. I just got a hair cut I love (it's short and not wavy!). I don't even mind the sparkle. It's a process, though.
When she learned of my diagnosis, Elise offered to take family photos as a gift to me. We finally made it happen this past November when the whole family was in NJ. I think we were a little more than she bargained for: in addition to my husband and two boys, I brought along my parents, my sister, my brother in law, my brother, and Odin the dog.
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| The family. |
Odin was my brother Pete's dog. Pete died in November 2013, and Odin now lives with my parents. Having Odin at the photo shoot was a way to honor Pete's memory and made taking family photos after such a great loss a little more bearable.
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| Look at this face! I love you, Odin! |
In December I gifted to Elise a quilt for her new studio space. It was so good for my soul to make something for her to honor her gifts and our friendship. Would you believe I forgot to take photos of it? Here's hoping Elise reads this and sends me a beautiful photo to share with you. :)
If you ever have reason to be in Northern New Jersey, check out Elise Campbell Photography.
What a poignant post. You have been through such a lot of grief and trauma over the past year and add to that the recent loss of your brother. This adds up to a tremendous amount of change. Menopause definitely changes you through and through. To go through it early is a raw deal.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think your short hair is adorable. Whether you decide to color it or not, you look gorgeous. The pictures convey joy. They are delightful. It was a treat to see your family. Thanks for sharing this post.
Aww, thanks, Bernie. This one's for you: the post has rattled around my head ever since you asked about my hair. I'm sorry it took so long! xo
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