On love and loss. For mom.

Mom and me, circa 1975

My mom would have been 70 years old this month.

She has been gone 32 years and yet, sometimes the feeling of loss is so strong it surprises me. 

When I think of my mom I give thanks for my life and my family. I remember that she called me "muffin." I remember when she cut her hair short and then shorter. I remember my eighth birthday party, her resting on the couch while I opened my presents and me not knowing I had only ten more days to share with her. I remember that I always felt loved. 

I realize how little I know about her or am likely to ever know. I wonder what kind of birthday cake she liked, and what her favorite flavor of ice cream was. I wonder if any of her relatives had blue eyes like my boys. I wonder what our last words were to each other, and if I was brave enough to say goodbye or to tell her that I love her. I think about myself -- how I am strong, sensitive, and self-aware. I wish she could tell me that I am smart, I am beautiful, I am a good mom. I wish I had inherited her straight nose. I wish she could sew with me. I wish she was here.

In July I attended a training and the ice breaker exercise was to “tell your story” about why you do the work you do. We had no prep time, so out popped the raw, unfiltered truth: I was drawn to social justice work because the world has never been the way it was supposed to be. Losing my mom upended my life. Doing this work is an act of self-preservation: the best way to avoid being fully consumed by grief is to work to make this world a little better. My voice cracked, tears sprung in my eyes, and I was absolutely mortified and shocked by this deep truth and to have shared it with virtual strangers.

When my mom was dying of breast cancer, she arranged for her best friend to adopt me and my brother. I was eight and my brother was five. We were raised in a loving household with two siblings. We are a family born out of loss and love. 

My boys are now six and four. I am filled with conflicting emotions, wanting to both slow down time because we are here, together, and wanting to speed it up so I can guarantee that I will be with them longer. That we will survive together. Since my diagnosis it feels like the clock is always ticking, ticking, ticking: at any moment the cancer could come back. I can quiet the noise, but it never fully goes away. 

Over these last few years I have found myself marking my lifetime against her lifetime. First it was turning 37, her age at death, then outliving her at 38, my diagnosis at 39. For many years I had so little connection to her and then BAM! She is here with me, all the time. Some days it feels like I am living her life, making her hobbies my own, being her do-over.   

On reflection, my family rarely talked about my mom when I was growing up. We didn’t hang photos of her. Most of our energy went into creating our “new” family. I wish we had found a way to create space for her in our family – the family created by her love. I wish my boys could know her, know how much her love for me is in my love for them. 

I sat on this post for a few weeks because I couldn't find the right photo of her to share. The photos I wish I had don't exist. (We can blame the 70s. Also, cancer.) But tonight, over dinner, I am going to share the photos I do have with my boys. And I will tell them everything I can remember about my mom, but mostly that she loved me, and I loved her, and I love them. 

In memory of my mom, Christine Elaine (October 16, 1945-April 12, 1983). 

Mom and me, Christmas 1975

100 Quilts for Kids

Do you know about 100 Quilts for Kids?

Each year the DC Modern Quilt Guild hosts this charity sewing event, and donates quilts to kids in need. This year our quilts were donated to DC General. 119 quilts were linked up this year (some donated to the charity of the maker's choosing)!

Last year was my first year contributing. I made a baby quilt on my own and contributed blocks to a group quilt. This year I've done the same.

Photo by DCMQG President Melinda, Quirky Granola Girl.

I found these orphaned, scrappy log cabin blocks while cleaning up my supply bins. I made them at least a year ago. They didn't speak to me then, but when I found them I thought they'd be perfect for a baby quilt--and I had just enough!

This taupe-ish-gray border is the same solid I originally used to sash my scrappy Anna Maria Horner coin quilt strips. I still don't love it, but I wanted to use what I have. Besides, white sashing really isn't practical for a baby quilt... right?

A few people asked me about the quilting: it is the squiggle stitch programmed on my machine. It's nice to switch it up sometimes. :)

You can see some of the fabulous quilts on Instagram, #100quilts4kids.

Q4 Finish Along

It's the last quarter of 2015! Hallelujah. I cannot wait to kick this year to the curb.

Last year I finished 12 quilts and I'm on track to at least match that this year.

Here's my Finish Along list for Q4:

1. AMH Greatest Hits: I am finally going to get this done! After lots of heartburn I finished a top and just need to get it quilted and bound. Woot!

2. Husband of the Year (Doe): this one is quilted and ready to be bound!

3. Wanderer Placemats: first and possibly only holiday gift I'll make this year.

That's it. I got so much done in Q3 that I have only these projects in the works right now. In fact, not only did I get three finishes from my official list done, I managed to whip up two additional baby quilts. Go me!

I do have quite a few fabric piles by my machine, but I haven't landed on a design for any of them yet.

A. Lizzy House Natural History -- to be a quilt for M! He wants to add in robots. I can't decide if I'll stick to the blues and greens or use all of the colors in this line. Hmm...

B. Christmas quilt! I've got some of Tinsel by Cotton + Steel, as well as a few Anna Maria Horner prints that are destined to be a holiday quilt.

C. The Anna Maria Horner king quilt. I'll probably end up going with big squares for this one. I've been hoarding prints from a variety of her lines to make a giant quilt for our bed.

I'm looking for patterns appropriate for large-scale designs/big blocks.  Any ideas?

Linking up to the 2015 Finish Along hosted by On the Windy Side.

A quilt for T.

"They lived and laughed and loved and left." --James Joyce

My friend's 16-year-old son died last month in a tragic accident. He loved his family, friends, and basketball, and he was a kind, sweet kid. It is still hard to believe that he is gone, and my heart aches for my dear friend T.

What do you do when the unthinkable happens? What do you say?

I couldn't be there with her, so I sewed. And sewed. And sewed.

Snuggle-testers at work.

I cut the fabric 1-2 years ago with plans to make a plus quilt using the same Jeni Baker pattern I used for this one. I laid the squares out on top of the original plus quilt, which made the layout go quick and easy. For the backing I used the new 108" Free Fall quilt backing by Tula Pink. It is soft with a satin-like finish. I bought it on sale from my favorite local online shop, Del Ray Fabrics. (Spoiler: I bought it in gray, too, for the Husband of the Year/Doe quilt.) I love it, and it made this quilt come together very quickly.

H. Quilt burrito.

I am wrapping my friend in a quilt hug. And I am holding her in my heart until I can hold her in my arms.

Pilar, helping me bind.

Summer Recap -- and Finishes!

Cotton + Steel Plus Quilt

I finally have some finishes, including three on my Finish Along list!

A couple weekends ago I attended my first ever retreat, hosted by the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It was spectacular. A beautiful location near Harpers Ferry, WV. Fun and inspiring women. Lots of sewing time.

Pieced backing for C+S Plus Quilt

I quilted and bound the baby-sized Cotton + Steel plus quilt. I pieced a back for the throw-sized Cotton + Steel plus quilt -- and then basted it. I finally basted my Priory Square "Boxed In" quilt (pattern by Jaybird Quilts).

I also cut and started piecing a quilt using the Doe line by Carolyn Friedlander. This one is another pattern by Jaybird Quilts from the book, Skip the Borders: Easy Patterns for Modern Quilts. The quilt in the book is made up in black, white and greens. I have to admit, I didn't love Doe when I first saw it, and I didn't love this quilt pattern, either. But I had a hunch that they were meant for each other. What do you think?

Doe quilt

Originally I took out the orange print but I'm really glad I added it back in. It really pops, doesn't it? I've been won over by both Doe and this pattern. In fact, I love this quilt so much I'm giving it to my husband. I'm calling this one the "husband of the year" quilt. He earned it.

Since the retreat I have managed to finish both the Cotton + Steel and the Priory Square quilts! I've also finished the Doe top. So yeah, I've been doing a fair amount of sewing!

Priory Square "Boxed In" Quilt

Earlier this summer I visited a dear friend in beautiful Minneapolis, and then spent a week with my family at Lake Ontario in upstate New York. We go every summer but this year was especially fun. The good weather probably had something to do with it, and the boys are at "easier" ages... But I also went into vacation determined to have a good time and I swear it helped. Usually I get so stressed out that my husband doesn't want to do the things I want to do, or that the way we live is different from how my parents live. I'm a people pleaser and I live by "when in Rome," you know? This summer I just let everyone be. If we used up the paper towels? Who cares! If I wanted to swim and no one else did? I swam alone. And it was glorious. There was no sewing time on either trip, but there were trips to fabric stores. If you're ever in Minneapolis, I highly recommend Crafty Planet!

Lake Ontario

And that, friends, is a wrap. Happy summer, lovelies!

Linking to Finish it up Friday at Crazy Mom Quilts and TGIFF at My Quilt Infatuation.

Back to Square One

Uuuuuuuuugh. I have been making a lot of mistakes lately.

First there's the non-progress on my Anna Maria Horner Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Back in February I picked up some gray-ish/taupe-ish fabric for sashing. I cut it up and sashed the quilt. And then it sat. For months. (It is still sitting.) I never got around to adding the top and bottom sashing and finally realized why: because it is UGLY. Not only is the gray/taupe solid a bad color choice, the width of the sashing is all wrong -- way too wide. So now I need to rip it out and start over. This time I'm tempted to just sew the scrap columns together without sashing... Or, sash it with Kona Snow, 2 1/2 inches wide? Another color? I'm open to ideas; what do you think?

Before I ruined it with ugly sashing. 

OK, so then I managed to finish the Priory Square quilt top using the Boxed In pattern from the book Beyond Borders by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts. It looks fantastic. However... there were a lot of piecing errors, and most of them due to my laziness with regards to a 1/4 inch seam. Amateur hour, I know. Fortunately, I was able to square the quilt up and the solid sashing throughout hides my mistakes.

All the pretty boxes!

I wish I could say I learned my lesson with that quilt. Nope. I moved on to expand the Cotton + Steel plus quilt I started many moons ago. I took the perfect square and added columns. And when I tried sewing the new columns to the old square, the seams didn't line up. Not even close. Yep. Now, I do use a guide and while my seams may not always be perfect scant 1/4 inches, usually things DO line up. However, in this case, I used my new machine (Kim Gordon) to piece the new columns... and I had used my old machine (Kitty) to piece the original square. Different machines, different guides. I just wasn't thinking.

The original baby-sized square with pretty seams.

I got verrrrrry familiar with my seam ripper this past week. I wanted to forge ahead with the project and disregard the mistakes. I tried to get comfortable with that path. But--and I think this is a sign of growth--I couldn't do it. So I ripped out the entire new section, but I kept the original square and will finish it off into a baby quilt. Which is what it was originally going to be anyway. And, because I can't get this color story out of my head and I don't want all of those squares to go to waste, I not only retrimmed the new section, I cut out the squares to remake the old section. Once I get it all stitched up I'll still only be halfway done with the new, larger quilt, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

Whew. I wish I could say those were the only mistakes I've made, but there have been others. "Learning opportunities." Uh huh. I'm learning a lot. Hey, I'm happy to report that in between making errors learning opportunities I finally took the time to figure out the needle positions for a perfect 1/4 seam on Kim Gordon. (Side bar: isn't it annoying that a 1/4 inch foot doesn't make a 1/4 seam without some adjusting?!) SUCCESS!

On that note, here's my Quarter 3 Finish List. I've got the DCMQG sewing retreat in August and hope to get some quality stitching, so here's hoping there are a few finishes!

Priory Square quilt (above) -- piecing done; needs to be basted and quilted
Cotton + Steel (baby) plus quilt -- time to baste and quilt that baby!
Cotton + Steel plus quilt (the re-do) -- piecing in progress
AMH greatest hits scrap quilt -- let's not talk about it.

Project Piles:
Natural History twin quilt for M -- pattern picked
AMH mixed up king quilt
Doe strip quilt

Linking up to On the Windy Side for the 2015 Finish Along Q3!

For the love of quilters and unicorns

This.

This quilt is a gift to me from the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It is like a big, quilted hug from new friends. Guild members contributed blocks and Carissa, Vice President of the Guild, coordinated, pieced and quilted it. Every time I look at this quilt, I see something new. I am so thankful to have found this quilty home in the DCMQG.

Isn't this bag amazing? Do you see the tiny square of green? LOVE.

Before my diagnosis (breast cancer -- read more from here) I had participated only sparingly in the Guild. I didn't know more than a few of our members. One of the unexpected gifts of my treatment is that by standing out (hello, bald head), I was able to connect with people. I let down my guard, told my story, and let people in. I made friends! It has been so fun getting to know other people who love quilting. The DCMQG has been a not insignificant part of my recovery -- connecting offline, having the meetings to look forward, and finally attending a meeting before my final treatment, and again after it.

My first mom -- a quilter and a beautiful life lost to breast cancer -- loved unicorns. One of my last memories of her is that she had a stuffed unicorn beside her bed. I don't know what meaning unicorns had for her, but they will always remind me of her and our connection. Seeing the unicorn in this quilt was, well, pretty awesome.

In my twenties I sang in a band (don't get too excited -- we weren't very good; but thank you Sister and Sister's Friends for actually paying to hear us!). My favorite song of ours--our best song, if I dare say so--was "Unicorn Cat." I wrote it after a vivid dream in which my cat, yep, had a unicorn horn. It inspired a song about dreams, memories, and connecting with lost loved ones through the subconscious.

It began, "I had a dream that I had a unicorn cat..."

But the best verse was this one:
"Elusive memories I trap inside when I close my eyes,
You appear to me in signs.
These glimpses of past and future fading into one,
No consciousness of time."

No, you can't download the song on iTunes. Ha! That's a funny thought. But the guitarist and I are plotting to record it. So we'll see. Crazier things have happened.

Thank you, Carissa and DCMQG, for creating this beautiful quilt for me! It is magical. XOXO

Linking up to Quilty Thankful Thursday with so. much. gratitude.