Back to Square One

Uuuuuuuuugh. I have been making a lot of mistakes lately.

First there's the non-progress on my Anna Maria Horner Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Back in February I picked up some gray-ish/taupe-ish fabric for sashing. I cut it up and sashed the quilt. And then it sat. For months. (It is still sitting.) I never got around to adding the top and bottom sashing and finally realized why: because it is UGLY. Not only is the gray/taupe solid a bad color choice, the width of the sashing is all wrong -- way too wide. So now I need to rip it out and start over. This time I'm tempted to just sew the scrap columns together without sashing... Or, sash it with Kona Snow, 2 1/2 inches wide? Another color? I'm open to ideas; what do you think?

Before I ruined it with ugly sashing. 

OK, so then I managed to finish the Priory Square quilt top using the Boxed In pattern from the book Beyond Borders by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts. It looks fantastic. However... there were a lot of piecing errors, and most of them due to my laziness with regards to a 1/4 inch seam. Amateur hour, I know. Fortunately, I was able to square the quilt up and the solid sashing throughout hides my mistakes.

All the pretty boxes!

I wish I could say I learned my lesson with that quilt. Nope. I moved on to expand the Cotton + Steel plus quilt I started many moons ago. I took the perfect square and added columns. And when I tried sewing the new columns to the old square, the seams didn't line up. Not even close. Yep. Now, I do use a guide and while my seams may not always be perfect scant 1/4 inches, usually things DO line up. However, in this case, I used my new machine (Kim Gordon) to piece the new columns... and I had used my old machine (Kitty) to piece the original square. Different machines, different guides. I just wasn't thinking.

The original baby-sized square with pretty seams.

I got verrrrrry familiar with my seam ripper this past week. I wanted to forge ahead with the project and disregard the mistakes. I tried to get comfortable with that path. But--and I think this is a sign of growth--I couldn't do it. So I ripped out the entire new section, but I kept the original square and will finish it off into a baby quilt. Which is what it was originally going to be anyway. And, because I can't get this color story out of my head and I don't want all of those squares to go to waste, I not only retrimmed the new section, I cut out the squares to remake the old section. Once I get it all stitched up I'll still only be halfway done with the new, larger quilt, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

Whew. I wish I could say those were the only mistakes I've made, but there have been others. "Learning opportunities." Uh huh. I'm learning a lot. Hey, I'm happy to report that in between making errors learning opportunities I finally took the time to figure out the needle positions for a perfect 1/4 seam on Kim Gordon. (Side bar: isn't it annoying that a 1/4 inch foot doesn't make a 1/4 seam without some adjusting?!) SUCCESS!

On that note, here's my Quarter 3 Finish List. I've got the DCMQG sewing retreat in August and hope to get some quality stitching, so here's hoping there are a few finishes!

Priory Square quilt (above) -- piecing done; needs to be basted and quilted
Cotton + Steel (baby) plus quilt -- time to baste and quilt that baby!
Cotton + Steel plus quilt (the re-do) -- piecing in progress
AMH greatest hits scrap quilt -- let's not talk about it.

Project Piles:
Natural History twin quilt for M -- pattern picked
AMH mixed up king quilt
Doe strip quilt

Linking up to On the Windy Side for the 2015 Finish Along Q3!

For the love of quilters and unicorns

This.

This quilt is a gift to me from the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It is like a big, quilted hug from new friends. Guild members contributed blocks and Carissa, Vice President of the Guild, coordinated, pieced and quilted it. Every time I look at this quilt, I see something new. I am so thankful to have found this quilty home in the DCMQG.

Isn't this bag amazing? Do you see the tiny square of green? LOVE.

Before my diagnosis (breast cancer -- read more from here) I had participated only sparingly in the Guild. I didn't know more than a few of our members. One of the unexpected gifts of my treatment is that by standing out (hello, bald head), I was able to connect with people. I let down my guard, told my story, and let people in. I made friends! It has been so fun getting to know other people who love quilting. The DCMQG has been a not insignificant part of my recovery -- connecting offline, having the meetings to look forward, and finally attending a meeting before my final treatment, and again after it.

My first mom -- a quilter and a beautiful life lost to breast cancer -- loved unicorns. One of my last memories of her is that she had a stuffed unicorn beside her bed. I don't know what meaning unicorns had for her, but they will always remind me of her and our connection. Seeing the unicorn in this quilt was, well, pretty awesome.

In my twenties I sang in a band (don't get too excited -- we weren't very good; but thank you Sister and Sister's Friends for actually paying to hear us!). My favorite song of ours--our best song, if I dare say so--was "Unicorn Cat." I wrote it after a vivid dream in which my cat, yep, had a unicorn horn. It inspired a song about dreams, memories, and connecting with lost loved ones through the subconscious.

It began, "I had a dream that I had a unicorn cat..."

But the best verse was this one:
"Elusive memories I trap inside when I close my eyes,
You appear to me in signs.
These glimpses of past and future fading into one,
No consciousness of time."

No, you can't download the song on iTunes. Ha! That's a funny thought. But the guitarist and I are plotting to record it. So we'll see. Crazier things have happened.

Thank you, Carissa and DCMQG, for creating this beautiful quilt for me! It is magical. XOXO

Linking up to Quilty Thankful Thursday with so. much. gratitude.

Fabric Frenzy

A favorite pile.

Quilt Market was last week. I've never been, will probably not go (being an amateur quilter and all -- level one forever, baby). Still, it's hard to ignore: for days all of my feeds were full of Quilt Market photos, fabric launches, fabric purchases, fabric designers, fabric giveaways, fabric, fabric, fabric. It was too much, really. Don't get me wrong, I love fabric! I love print and color and seeing what people are making. Yet I am increasingly feeling overwhelmed by all of it, and no longer sure what my likes and dislikes are. 

My Guild, DCMQG, is in the middle of a zipper pouch swap. Swaps are nerve-wracking, in my opinion (what if they don't like what I make?! What if they request something beyond my skills?! What if...?!), but I'm challenging myself to be a participator because I love this Guild. Anyway, swaps always get me thinking about my favorite designers and fabrics and whether I could name one print as being my absolute favorite.

Could you? Do you have a favorite fabric?

When I started sewing I fell madly in love with Anna Maria Horner and her Field Study and Loulouthi lines. The throw quilt that sits on my bed remains my favorite quilt. I've started re-stashing many of the prints because the quilt brings me so much joy. Along the way, though, I've realized there are a few prints I can do without. And while I love all of them together, I'm not sure I could single out one print as my favorite.  

Pilar on her (our) favorite quilt.

I used to get so much joy out of fantasy fabric shopping. I'd visit my favorite online shops and fill up my cart with all of the prints. Echino, Anna Maria Horner, Lizzy House, Michael Miller novelty prints (I am a sucker for a good novelty print)... I still do this, usually lured in by a good sale, but it's more stressful and less fun. I am hyper-aware of how much fabric I've accumulated (still a fairly small stash, I think/hope), and I'm self-conscious about my choices. Do I love it, or is it just a fad? I'm often not sure.

At the last DCMQG meeting I sat next to Mary Fons (Mary Fons!). She was working on a beautiful baby quilt of tiny nine-patches, sashed in black. Her fabrics were small-scale prints, the sort of prints I don't usually buy. Her quilting style is so unequivocally hers, it got me thinking about my own style and taste. And there I was, blazing through the quilting on a self-described rush job -- a baby quilt I had whipped up quickly without much consideration for design. And the quilt I showed to the group? My Cotton + Steel plus quilt, still in progress. I was a little embarrassed by how faddish it seemed.

So I've realized: I've been coasting through my quilting. Making without a lot of intention, rushing to the finish (I love the finish). Don't get my wrong, I've made a lot of beautiful things and I am proud of them. I've chosen some really lovely fabrics. And my sewing has improved with the practice I've gotten from all of this making. But I think it's time to find my quilting voice.

I've started cutting the fabric for a quilt that will be a gift to a dear family member. I took a lot of time deciding on the pattern ("Boxed In" by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts, included in her book Skip the Borders), and I love the fabric I've chosen (Priory Square by Katy Jones) and I know she will, too.

Getting things squared away. Ha! 

But once I finish this project, I'm going to take a break from projects with self-imposed deadlines. I'm going to try to take some time to experiment and make what I love, and sew what I have. Which probably means a lot of simple patchwork with squares. For starters, I'm imagining a very large, king-sized quilt of 10-inch squares of my favorite Anna Maria Horner prints... OK, I admit it, I pulled that pile pictured at the top of this post expressly for the King quilt project. Seeing all the colors together makes me so happy. I should also finish my Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Greatest Hits = many favorites. And I'd like to finish the aforementioned Cotton + Steel plus quilt. It's not ALL Anna Maria Horner around here, after all. Heck, I've got a really pretty pile of Natural History by Lizzy House that is destined for M's bed, you know, when I get to it. And one thing I'm sure about? HE will love it.

So, OK, I have some favorite designers, and maybe some favorite fabric combinations. I even have a favorite quilt. But I haven't found my one favorite fabric yet. Let me know if you find yours. I might try applying Marie Kondo's rules and ask myself of each print in my stash: Does this fabric spark my joy? It just might work.

Come On, Get Happy!

My little guy is always looking for a smile. "You happy, mommy?" he asks. "Yes, I'm happy!" I reply, no matter what I was just thinking or if I was frowning. He grins and hugs me, and I am healed. In those moments I remember it really can be that easy to be happy.

And I am really happy. Do you see the bow I am wearing?! Is it not amazing?!

2015 has already been a pretty big year, between my surgery and treatments, turning 40, and celebrating 15 great years with the Husband. Through it all we've been surrounded by love and friendship. The really, really good stuff. My job continues to be amazing, stimulating and supportive. Our house is a home. My family is healthy and happy. My head is surprisingly round and smooth, and chemo made my skin beautiful! I have many reasons to be happy.

So this weekend we celebrated life and love with a party that brought our friends together, new and old. My brother, sister and brother-in-law drove down to be with us. I hired a dear friend, Lisa at This Calls for a Party, to plan and host the event. And we partied! (A little too hard, if we're honest -- yesterday was a sloooooow day.) My one regret is that we couldn't bring ALL of our friends together.

My cancer diagnosis was really, really shitty. Chemo was really, really shitty. Surgery was no picnic. The doctors appointments continue to seem endless. There are two more surgeries and a lifetime of surveillance ahead of me. It wouldn't be hard to focus on the pain, the inconvenience, the what-ifs... But I refuse to be held hostage by fear. So when H asks if I'm happy, I smile. And magically, I am transported to happiness.

You happy? 

Digging a little deeper -- on community

I joined the BRCA Sisterhood, a private Facebook group for women who have a BRCA mutation or other hereditary breast or ovarian cancer(s). 

I know, I just said the other day that I wasn't looking to connect with other survivors. 

But the conversation I had with my colleague has stayed with me. Why have I resisted connecting with other women going through similar experiences?

I was afraid to admit this, but I think in part I fear being surrounded by cancer. I don't want cancer to define me, and yes--I am afraid of cancer. I want to run as far away from it, as fast as I can. 

A few weekends ago I attended my first DC Modern Quilt Guild meeting of the year. I joined the Guild almost two years ago but hadn't mentally committed to participate until recently. Earlier this year I started engaging with other members on Instagram. They embraced me, even though only a few could probably remember ever meeting me! And when I started documenting my cancer journey, they supported me. The Guild President sent me coffee and fabric for a head scarf. The Vice President reached out by email to check on me. And members cheered me on as I moved from surgery to chemo to recovery.

Attending the meeting in April felt like a homecoming. I nearly burst into tears, walking into the room, hugging friends I hadn't met in person before. Community is amazing. 

That's the thing I do need: community. And I am grateful to have found it in different places--work, home, with friends, online, at DCMQG. Within these communities are, of course, other survivors. But the nature of our community is different. Our relationships aren't defined by cancer. That feels significant. 

I don't know what my participation will be like in the BRCA Sisterhood... but I am going to give it a try. Already it is clear that the group provides tremendous support to each other, to women at all stages of the journey. They are there if I need them and heck, I may have something to offer as well.

I haven't figured it all out, but I'm getting there. It's a process, right?

Ring the bell

I am done with chemo! Done, done, done! 

"Ring this bell

Three times well

A toll to clearly say

This treatment's done

My course is run

And I am on my way"

Sure, by tomorrow I will be feeling crappy and sure, I'll miss out on a beautiful weekend, and sure, it'll be another 10days before coffee tastes good again, and sure, I still have two surgeries* to complete... but hey--I AM DONE! No more chemo!

This is big, right? There have been moments on this journey--heck a lot of moments--when it just didn't feel real. Right now it feels a bit like a movie. Like it's not happening to me. I am fine, I am healthy, I don't have cancer, what is happening?! But then I tell myself it is real. This is real. It isn't a stunt, it's not a movie, this is actually my life. How did that happen? (Don't answer that. I know: BRCA.)

Back in the fall, before the diagnosis, I had dinner with two of my closest friends. I was telling them that I was going to have a mammogram and how I wasn't worried, just routine, cancer was my mom's story, it isn't mine. (Are you cringing because you know how that ended?!) The truth is, her story has always been my story. Her cancer -- and subsequent death -- is a defining chapter in my life. Finding out I had the BRCA mutation, that my mom likely had the BRCA mutation, was freeing. It explained this awful thing that happened to me. Not my cancer, my mom's cancer. If I had to have cancer myself to find that out, so be it. 

A colleague asked me the other day if I had connected with other survivors. "No," I quickly said. And then I stumbled to say why not. I hadn't thought about why not! (Why hadn't I thought about it?!) So I gave a rambling explanation that focused on these three things, all true:

--My prognosis was always excellent.

--I'm HAPPY and in a great place emotionally to handle a crisis.

--I have an awesome support network. (Thank you, village!)

But the most truthful answer, the one I just now figured out, on this last day of chemotherapy, is this: I have already survived cancer. It made me who I am. I've got 32 years of survivorship! I've GOT this. 

Suck it, chemo. 

*Two more surgeries: one to get my new boobs, one to remove my ovaries. Addition, subtraction. 

Sewing and other things

It's been a while! Time for an update. I've managed to sew a fair amount over the past month, but I've not taken any good photos. Do bad photos hold you back? I have serious angst about my poor photography, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I know, right now I can cut myself some slack (hello, chemotherapy, people!), but eventually I have got to do something about the bad photos. But I digress.

BABIES are coming!

Storytime Squares Baby Quilt

I've sewn three quilt tops for babies in less than a month. I finally finished quilting the first one (above), and I am really proud of it. I densely quilted straight-ish (cough, cough) lines and while it took FOREVER, it gave the quilt such an amazing texture. And it got even better after I washed it. I paired some adorable animal prints by Creative Thursday (Za Za Zoo line) with some Anna Maria Horner florals (a few from Pretty Potent and one Honor Roll print). I love them together! The recipient has done some work in Africa and I noticed both elephants and giraffes on her registry, so I think this will be a hit.

This was my first time sewing the Storytime Squares quilt by Made by Rae and I liked it well enough to make it again. It was more time consuming than my standbys, but when I'm not in a rush to meet a deadline that's okay. Would I do the dense quilting again? As much as I love the result, the time commitment is really daunting. So probably not any time soon.

Aren't these zebras adorable?

Do you have go-to baby quilt patterns? I love the charms baby quilt pattern by Elizabeth Hartman who blogs at Oh, Fransson! Her blog is currently under construction but you can see other quilts using the pattern here. I have made close to a dozen baby quilts using this pattern. It's quick, easy, and looks great. For the next baby quilt I pulled out the Za Za Zoo prints in blues and yellows and added in my favorite Michael Miller dot and a Lizzy House pearl bracelet. This quilt is for my cousin who is expecting her first baby, a boy.

Eek, this top needs a pressing!

I used some of the leftovers to make two bibs and backed them with flannel from my first son's receiving blankets. (A friend recently told me the bibs I made are "the best bibs" they have. I'm not sure what makes them great, but if you're looking for a simple pattern try this one by Rachel Measham-Pywell for Sew Mama Sew.)

Wouldn't this zebra print make some awesome baby pants?

Did I mention that I won the Creative Thursday fabric I used for those two quilts? A little over a year ago Marisa hosted a giveaway on her blog and my number came up on the random generator! Hooray! In addition to this adorable fat quarter bundle, she sent me an original painting, two books and a few other cute things. What an awesome prize. It took me a long time to figure out how to use the fabric, but once I divided the prints by color I was able to formulate a plan.

The third baby quilt is a simple strip quilt for a friend who loves yellow and doesn't know the gender of her baby. I don't have a lot of yellow, so I bought a Cotton + Steel basic to pair with the cute moon bunnies print in the Mochi line by Rashida Coleman Hale. I added in some white and another Cotton + Steel print. It's not a "wow" quilt, but I think she'll like the simplicity -- and the yellow. Plus, I put together a Divided Basket by Anna @Noodlehead with more yellow and more bunnies and some Essex linen in denim. I love the result! Have you sewn this pattern yet? Because it is one of the best patterns out there. Don't take my word for it; give it a try!

Bunny Divided Basket (you can see the strip quilt in the background)

All of the baby gifts are due in April, so I've really got to get quilting. The finished Storytime Squares quilt will be gifted tomorrow at a surprise baby shower for my coworker. I won't be there (chemo #3 -- see this post) but I'm really excited to hear how it is received. Making a quilt for a coworker I don't know well feels a little presumptuous and perhaps too generous? But I love making baby quilts and I know she'll appreciate the gesture.

And I'm just realizing that I am missing all three of the showers because chemo. Oh well. There will be many other opportunities to celebrate these babies!

And that's it. That's the sum total of my sewing lately. This first quarter of 2015 I completed just two out of five projects on my Finish-A-Long list. I missed the deadline to link them up, but I'll go ahead and claim them here anyway!

Q1 Finishes:

1. Scrappy, wonky star pillow

2. The Unicorn Quilt

Q1 Unfinishes: 

1. Anna Maria Horner Greatest Hits scrappy coin quilt.

2. Priory Square Quilt for someone dear.

3. Echino bird mini quilt. 

I got a little off track at the beginning of the quarter and started a Cotton + Steel plus quilt, but I'm glad I followed my inspiration because it is a project I really love. And while I really should have anticipated the baby quilts (I'd have had a third finish!), I've now gotten a jump on two entries for Quarter Two. Go me!

Q2 Finish-A-Long List:

1. ZaZa Zoo charm square baby quilt for baby boy.

2. Cotton + Steel strip quilt for a friend's baby.
3. Anna Maria Horner greatest hits scrappy coin quilt -- I need to square it up and add the top and bottom borders, and then quilt this baby.
4. Cotton + Steel plus quilt -- Finishing this is a stretch, as I've got only one quarter done, and most likely I'll only get another quarter done by the end of June.
5. Priory Square quilt -- the fabric is collecting dust while I waffle over what design to use. So this is a BIG stretch.
6. Echino bird mini quilt. I made some progress in Q1 and just need to decide on how to finish it. So maybe?