Announcing: Creative Empathy!

Here's how it works: I encourage my friends to make a new, unplanned donation to an organization helping people who are unlike them. This could be support for relief efforts in Puerto Rico, Black Lives Matter, or any other organization of their choice. The idea is to open ourselves up to helping people who are different from us. In exchange, I will send my friends a handmade gift. The amount of the donation will remain private--that's between them and the organization. I did ask friends to share the name of the organization, in the hopes that we can all learn about new-to-us organizations that are helping others.

I've made a commitment to send 10 handmade gifts, and for now I am limiting this to my Facebook Friends.

If you're a maker, will you join in? If you share photos of your makes on instagram, let's use the hashtag #creativeempathy. And please follow me @exactlycassandra.

Q1 and W.I.P.s -- that time I stopped finishing and got started

Remember I said I am a finisher? Yeah, well, just kidding. I currently have seven quilt projects going. SEVEN.

How did that happen?

Well, I did manage a few finishes from my Q1 list:
1. A baby quilt for Jen. You'll just have to take my word for it because I have NO PHOTOS. As soon as it's gifted I'll snap some.
2. A mini star quilt for Jean, a dear colleague. I'm so pleased with this. And unbeknownst to me, Jean collects textiles! WINNING.

But about those new projects... Right now my home is in chaos--a flurry of packing and repairs, in anticipation of moving at some point in the future. At the exact time we should be making order, my heart is bursting with inspiration and the desire to create. (I've also finished four pillows, two pouches and a wall hanging.) So I start and start and start. Without complaint. The finishes will come. (Update: I finished #6. See? I can do it.)

WIPs that will no doubt make it to my Q2 list:

1. A rainbow mini quilt for Mid-Atlantic Mod. You can see a peak on Instagram. In spite of my early start, I have a feeling I'll be finishing this under pressure before the April deadline.

2. Christmas sparkle punch: I lost steam as soon as I cut the billionty squares. I'm hoping to finish it by Christmas 2016. That gives me almost nine months. Totally doable.

3. Scrap vortex. I got this one to a decent baby quilt size and packed it up. I could finish it, but I figure there will be more scraps to add so why not just take a break and come back to it later? 

4. Scrappy nine patch. I started this a month or so ago on a whim. I love to play with scraps! I'm hoping to come back to this one soon.

Scrappy improv. I have 47 nine patches that aren't big enough for a quilt on their own. Liking this scrappy log cabin effect... #scrapbusting #scrapquilt

A photo posted by Cassandra McKee (@pilarandolivia) on Mar 12, 2016 at 9:46am PST

5. Starry night BOM. Another whim. At least this one is monthly so I can pace myself!

#dcmqgsnowalong #starrynightquilt

A photo posted by Cassandra McKee (@pilarandolivia) on Feb 15, 2016 at 10:26am PST

6-7. More baby boy quilts. Why cut one when I can cut and piece two at the same time? These are simple patchwork quilts with 7.5" squares. One is for a colleague expecting this spring. The other is for a home tbd. So far I've got one ready for quilting finished (hooray!) and one ready for piecing.

Quick sew, exactly what I needed. #birchorganics #serengetifabric

A photo posted by Cassandra McKee (@pilarandolivia) on Mar 3, 2016 at 6:00pm PST

Linking up with Debbie at A Quilter's Table for the 2016 FAL Q1 finishes!

The New (2016) Version of Me

 Any Felicity fans out there?



This post is long overdue.

These photos -- the first/best photos of me since cutting, losing and regrowing my hair -- were taken back in November. That feels like eons ago. Since then I've had two hair cuts!

New version of me, November 2015

This is 40. And a half.

A friend of mine, Elise, took these photos. I remember feeling happy and free and beautiful that day, and when I look at these photos I see that in my face.

But the truth is, I am still grieving my old self while I am learning to love my new self. It is hard to look at old photos and see the old me. The youthful me, with long, brown hair. I am not quite used to seeing myself with short hair. I am not used to seeing myself so gray. I am not used to seeing so much of my face. I am not used to seeing my body so soft. The newness is hard. Change is hard. 

When I opted to remove my ovaries and tubes -- to willingly enter menopause at 40 -- I didn't consider the emotional impact. I prepared myself for (some of) the physical changes, but I didn't prepare myself for how I'd feel about them. It's not just the hair, it's the aging that happened overnight.

I could just dye my hair (again). And I can grow it out. I can exercise more. I might do all of these things. And don't get me wrong, I do love me. I just got a hair cut I love (it's short and not wavy!). I don't even mind the sparkle. It's a process, though.

When she learned of my diagnosis, Elise offered to take family photos as a gift to me. We finally made it happen this past November when the whole family was in NJ. I think we were a little more than she bargained for: in addition to my husband and two boys, I brought along my parents, my sister, my brother in law, my brother, and Odin the dog.

The family.

Odin was my brother Pete's dog. Pete died in November 2013, and Odin now lives with my parents. Having Odin at the photo shoot was a way to honor Pete's memory and made taking family photos after such a great loss a little more bearable.

Look at this face! I love you, Odin!

In December I gifted to Elise a quilt for her new studio space. It was so good for my soul to make something for her to honor her gifts and our friendship. Would you believe I forgot to take photos of it? Here's hoping Elise reads this and sends me a beautiful photo to share with you. :)

If you ever have reason to be in Northern New Jersey, check out Elise Campbell Photography.

2016 Finish Along -- Quarter 1

So I kept going. #wonkystars

A photo posted by Cassandra McKee (@pilarandolivia) on Jan 9, 2016 at 5:22pm PST

My sister surprised me with a Go! Fabric Cutter by Accuquilt for Christmas. This thing is incredible! My boys love to crank it and together we have cut hundreds of squares. The Go! came with a die for two different sized squares and one half-square triangle, but I ordered the 3.5" square die with my Christmas sparkle punch quilt in mind. Truthfully, it's a little inefficient (I cut my strips an extra 1/4" to make sure I fully cover the die), but I can see how it will save me a lot of time -- especially cutting scraps. Plus, it's so fun.

I started sewing the wonky stars for the Christmas quilt last week, but that quilt was put on hold today while I started a new project: a wonky star mini for Jean (shown above). A colleague of mine loves the color teal, which happens to be one of my favorite colors, too. She's planning a job change, so I'm going to surprise her with a little wall hanging. It's looking great so far, and I'm excited to gift it to her. Oh, I love the lazy days of winter. It was so good to spend the day sewing.

Once again I'm participating in the Finish Along to help keep me on track with my goal to finish all of my projects.

Here's my list of finishes for the First Quarter of the 2016 Finish Along. I am keeping it real and not including the stacks of fabric I have for imaginary projects.

1. Wonky star mini for Jean. This mini is inspired by our mutual love of the color teal. I'm loving how it is coming along. I pulled fabric from my AMH stash, hit my pile of 3.5" scrap squares, and added a few 5" charms. I cut into some yardage, but not a lot. It will be so nice to have a finish this week! Yes, this week. I can do it.

2. Baby boy quilt for Jen. No idea what it'll look like, but I love the fabric pull so that's a good start.

3. Christmas sparkle punch quilt (pattern by Elizabeth Hartman/Oh Fransson!). Most of the squares are cut! Realistically, this won't get done until the second quarter at the earliest. I'm thinking I'll take it to the Mid-Atlantic Mod retreat in April.

May not look like much, but that's over 600 squares!

4. scrap vortex quilt, (following the tutorial by Amanda Jean at Crazy Mom Quilts). I've got hundreds of quads sewn. That's something, right? As with the Christmas quilt, this one is unlikely to be finished this month. But never say never...

Linking up with Debbie at A Quilter's Table for the 2016 Finish Along!

2016 Sewing Goals

Doll quilt for P. Sleeping lizard!

What will 2016 have in store? I'm expecting to do a little less sewing this year, to make room for travel and other adventures. With the time I do sew, I'd like to be intentional about these things:

1. Continue finishing. I have been very good about finishing what I start, and I hope to keep up that trend.

2. Embrace improv and sew less from other people's patterns. I whipped up the doll sleeping bag/quilt in a morning. No pattern, just free sewing. It was glorious.

 3. Try triangles. I've been admiring equilateral triangle quilts for years and think I'm finally ready to give one a try!

4. Sew my stash. I'm not going to commit to buying no new fabric, but I'd like to limit my fabric buying as much as possible. I've got more than enough novelty prints to last me a lifetime, and my scrap bins are overflowing. But I'll probably need a solid or low volume print here and there to finish up projects. Birthday gifts don't count, right? April is around the corner...

5. Be brave. I'm borrowing this from Melanie Tuazon who has a great post about her rules for 2016 and includes "dare to be awesome". I'm going to focus my bravery on swaps which routinely give me anxiety (is my work good enough, will the recipient like it, etc.). I signed up to participate in the swaps when I attend the Mid Atlantic Mod Retreat this spring, as a way to challenge myself.

That's it! What are you planning for 2016?

Doll quilt -- flip side

2015 Wrap Up -- Determination

WHEW! Happy New Year, friends! What a difference a year makes. Last January I was reeling from my breast cancer diagnosis ("Cruella") in December, learned that I carry the BRCA2 mutation, and was preparing for the first of four (!) surgeries. That time feels both far away and not so long ago.

I've been writing and re-writing my thoughts about 2015, and I haven't quite found the words to express what I'm feeling. I thought I'd be rushing to the new year, but as happy as I am to be closing the cancer chapter of my life, my feelings about the year are overall pretty positive. Seems strange, but it's true. I'm grateful to have learned so much about myself, and to have experienced the support and friendship of so many. SO many. I feel grateful and lucky.

Last year I chose "determination" as my word and I was certainly determined. I planned to make six quilts and finished 14. All while working a full-time job, parenting two small kids, and undergoing cancer treatment. (I made 12 in 2014 and didn't expect to beat that, but turns out sewing is excellent therapy.)

I planned to recap my 2015 goals and sewing to do list, but that seems boring so instead I'll tell you about some of my favorite finishes.

1. Greatest Hits: an improv scrap quilt of Anna Maria Horner prints, with a few Tula Pink prints thrown in. I struggled with this quilt -- couldn't figure out how to make it work. Usually I would force it to get to the finish, but this time I let it sit until I could see how it was meant to be. Finished in December 2015 and gifted to Caroline. One of three projects for the Q4 Finish Along.

2. Husband of the Year: a quilt for the Husband. My best work to date. Blogged. Also one of my goals for Q4 of the Finish Along.

3. Plus Quilt 4: a baby quilt for Maude. I loved the ease of pulling fabrics in the same color. This was no-pressure sewing at its best! See also my Cotton + Steel plus quilt and a quilt for T.

4. Unicorn Quilt for Jane: This was my first finish of the year, and it's one of my favorites. I'm so proud of how it came together. Blogged.

How about you? What was your word for 2015? Did it ring true? Here's to your health and happiness in a new year!


Linking up with the 2015 Finish Along hosted by Adrienne at On the Windy Side.

Finished: a quilt for the Husband of the Year!

Oh, yeah: I finished this back in October. My first finish in Q4 of the 2015 Finish Along!

No big news here, this was a rough year. Through it all I had a true champion and partner at my side.

He's the love of my life. He makes me laugh and sing. He makes coffee in the morning, and dinner at night. He loves our boys and is the center of their world. He encourages me in all things. He takes "in sickness and in health" seriously.

This quilt is my interpretation of the Framed Coins pattern in the book Skip the Borders by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts. I love how it turned out. In fact, I think this is the best quilt I've ever made, so it's fitting that it now belongs to the person representing the best decision of my life. 

It came to life at the summer retreat I attended with my guild, DC Modern Quilt Guild. The Doe fabric line by Carolyn Friedlander confounded me for some time, but once I paired it with a few solids I saw its potential. I edited out a few prints, including the orange print which I added back at the last minute. It really pops against the marine solid, doesn't it? 

I managed to cut the entire quilt and piece all of the sections during the retreat. When I returned home I finished the top and matched it with Tula Pink's Free Fall in gray. I LOVE this line of wide quilt backs; it is a super soft sateen. 



It felt risky at the time, but I started on very dense quilting and am so glad I did. The texture is incredible. That said, the dense quilting is no joke: hours and hours and hours. It took a lot of perseverance to finish this baby.

Here's to the Husband of the Year!

Quilt! Landscaping! 

Gettin' Quilty: Works in Progress

It's been a while since I posted about my quilty progress. I still get hung up on my poor photography and I haven't been able to get outside to take decent photographs. You'll just have to bear with me, because there's a lot to document!

Right now I have five different projects in the works. That's a lot for me. I'm a finisher: I don't have a closet full of unquilted tops and I have only one orphaned block. I sew a lot--most weekends and some during the week--and have averaged one quilt per month for the last two years. I like to get things done, and having too many ongoing projects can get me down.

Two things I've learned about my sewing personality are that I do like to have a few projects going (ideally in different stages) to keep me motivated and inspired, and I like to work in stages (i.e. get all of the piecing done before starting the quilting on any one thing).

When I started my marathon sewing session last weekend, I had one top ready for basting, two tops in the piecing stage, four placemats in the quilting/binding stage, and one stack of scraps needing to be pressed. I made progress on everything except the scrap project--a scrap vortex quilt that will likely take me months to finish. I finished ALL of the piecing (scrap project not included) before attaching my walking foot and starting on the quilting. 

1. Greatest Hits Quilt -- I re-pieced the backing and basted it.

 

I had a little help with the basting.

 

 

2. A quilt for Elise -- A dear friend is a family photographer and generously agreed to a trade. I pieced the whole top and pieced the backing (minus a border requiring more fabric)! Pattern is Welded by Art Gallery Fabrics. I mixed Kona white and steel with prints by Anna Maria Horner, Carolyn Friedlander and Tula Pink. 

 

 

 

3. A quilt for a baby girl -- I pieced the strips together and pieced a backing. Now it waits for basting!

 

 

4. Placemats --  I finished the quilting on two, and starting binding this set of four. 

 

Whew. I'm hoping to make a little more progress this weekend, and to get all four of these projects done before Christmas (although technically only one is a holiday gift). I think I can do it if I resist the temptation to start new projects!

Happy weekend, all!

On love and loss. For mom.

Mom and me, circa 1975

My mom would have been 70 years old this month.

She has been gone 32 years and yet, sometimes the feeling of loss is so strong it surprises me. 

When I think of my mom I give thanks for my life and my family. I remember that she called me "muffin." I remember when she cut her hair short and then shorter. I remember my eighth birthday party, her resting on the couch while I opened my presents and me not knowing I had only ten more days to share with her. I remember that I always felt loved. 

I realize how little I know about her or am likely to ever know. I wonder what kind of birthday cake she liked, and what her favorite flavor of ice cream was. I wonder if any of her relatives had blue eyes like my boys. I wonder what our last words were to each other, and if I was brave enough to say goodbye or to tell her that I love her. I think about myself -- how I am strong, sensitive, and self-aware. I wish she could tell me that I am smart, I am beautiful, I am a good mom. I wish I had inherited her straight nose. I wish she could sew with me. I wish she was here.

In July I attended a training and the ice breaker exercise was to “tell your story” about why you do the work you do. We had no prep time, so out popped the raw, unfiltered truth: I was drawn to social justice work because the world has never been the way it was supposed to be. Losing my mom upended my life. Doing this work is an act of self-preservation: the best way to avoid being fully consumed by grief is to work to make this world a little better. My voice cracked, tears sprung in my eyes, and I was absolutely mortified and shocked by this deep truth and to have shared it with virtual strangers.

When my mom was dying of breast cancer, she arranged for her best friend to adopt me and my brother. I was eight and my brother was five. We were raised in a loving household with two siblings. We are a family born out of loss and love. 

My boys are now six and four. I am filled with conflicting emotions, wanting to both slow down time because we are here, together, and wanting to speed it up so I can guarantee that I will be with them longer. That we will survive together. Since my diagnosis it feels like the clock is always ticking, ticking, ticking: at any moment the cancer could come back. I can quiet the noise, but it never fully goes away. 

Over these last few years I have found myself marking my lifetime against her lifetime. First it was turning 37, her age at death, then outliving her at 38, my diagnosis at 39. For many years I had so little connection to her and then BAM! She is here with me, all the time. Some days it feels like I am living her life, making her hobbies my own, being her do-over.   

On reflection, my family rarely talked about my mom when I was growing up. We didn’t hang photos of her. Most of our energy went into creating our “new” family. I wish we had found a way to create space for her in our family – the family created by her love. I wish my boys could know her, know how much her love for me is in my love for them. 

I sat on this post for a few weeks because I couldn't find the right photo of her to share. The photos I wish I had don't exist. (We can blame the 70s. Also, cancer.) But tonight, over dinner, I am going to share the photos I do have with my boys. And I will tell them everything I can remember about my mom, but mostly that she loved me, and I loved her, and I love them. 

In memory of my mom, Christine Elaine (October 16, 1945-April 12, 1983). 

Mom and me, Christmas 1975

100 Quilts for Kids

Do you know about 100 Quilts for Kids?

Each year the DC Modern Quilt Guild hosts this charity sewing event, and donates quilts to kids in need. This year our quilts were donated to DC General. 119 quilts were linked up this year (some donated to the charity of the maker's choosing)!

Last year was my first year contributing. I made a baby quilt on my own and contributed blocks to a group quilt. This year I've done the same.

Photo by DCMQG President Melinda, Quirky Granola Girl.

I found these orphaned, scrappy log cabin blocks while cleaning up my supply bins. I made them at least a year ago. They didn't speak to me then, but when I found them I thought they'd be perfect for a baby quilt--and I had just enough!

This taupe-ish-gray border is the same solid I originally used to sash my scrappy Anna Maria Horner coin quilt strips. I still don't love it, but I wanted to use what I have. Besides, white sashing really isn't practical for a baby quilt... right?

A few people asked me about the quilting: it is the squiggle stitch programmed on my machine. It's nice to switch it up sometimes. :)

You can see some of the fabulous quilts on Instagram, #100quilts4kids.

Q4 Finish Along

It's the last quarter of 2015! Hallelujah. I cannot wait to kick this year to the curb.

Last year I finished 12 quilts and I'm on track to at least match that this year.

Here's my Finish Along list for Q4:

1. AMH Greatest Hits: I am finally going to get this done! After lots of heartburn I finished a top and just need to get it quilted and bound. Woot!

2. Husband of the Year (Doe): this one is quilted and ready to be bound!

3. Wanderer Placemats: first and possibly only holiday gift I'll make this year.

That's it. I got so much done in Q3 that I have only these projects in the works right now. In fact, not only did I get three finishes from my official list done, I managed to whip up two additional baby quilts. Go me!

I do have quite a few fabric piles by my machine, but I haven't landed on a design for any of them yet.

A. Lizzy House Natural History -- to be a quilt for M! He wants to add in robots. I can't decide if I'll stick to the blues and greens or use all of the colors in this line. Hmm...

B. Christmas quilt! I've got some of Tinsel by Cotton + Steel, as well as a few Anna Maria Horner prints that are destined to be a holiday quilt.

C. The Anna Maria Horner king quilt. I'll probably end up going with big squares for this one. I've been hoarding prints from a variety of her lines to make a giant quilt for our bed.

I'm looking for patterns appropriate for large-scale designs/big blocks.  Any ideas?

Linking up to the 2015 Finish Along hosted by On the Windy Side.

A quilt for T.

"They lived and laughed and loved and left." --James Joyce

My friend's 16-year-old son died last month in a tragic accident. He loved his family, friends, and basketball, and he was a kind, sweet kid. It is still hard to believe that he is gone, and my heart aches for my dear friend T.

What do you do when the unthinkable happens? What do you say?

I couldn't be there with her, so I sewed. And sewed. And sewed.

Snuggle-testers at work.

I cut the fabric 1-2 years ago with plans to make a plus quilt using the same Jeni Baker pattern I used for this one. I laid the squares out on top of the original plus quilt, which made the layout go quick and easy. For the backing I used the new 108" Free Fall quilt backing by Tula Pink. It is soft with a satin-like finish. I bought it on sale from my favorite local online shop, Del Ray Fabrics. (Spoiler: I bought it in gray, too, for the Husband of the Year/Doe quilt.) I love it, and it made this quilt come together very quickly.

H. Quilt burrito.

I am wrapping my friend in a quilt hug. And I am holding her in my heart until I can hold her in my arms.

Pilar, helping me bind.

Summer Recap -- and Finishes!

Cotton + Steel Plus Quilt

I finally have some finishes, including three on my Finish Along list!

A couple weekends ago I attended my first ever retreat, hosted by the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It was spectacular. A beautiful location near Harpers Ferry, WV. Fun and inspiring women. Lots of sewing time.

Pieced backing for C+S Plus Quilt

I quilted and bound the baby-sized Cotton + Steel plus quilt. I pieced a back for the throw-sized Cotton + Steel plus quilt -- and then basted it. I finally basted my Priory Square "Boxed In" quilt (pattern by Jaybird Quilts).

I also cut and started piecing a quilt using the Doe line by Carolyn Friedlander. This one is another pattern by Jaybird Quilts from the book, Skip the Borders: Easy Patterns for Modern Quilts. The quilt in the book is made up in black, white and greens. I have to admit, I didn't love Doe when I first saw it, and I didn't love this quilt pattern, either. But I had a hunch that they were meant for each other. What do you think?

Doe quilt

Originally I took out the orange print but I'm really glad I added it back in. It really pops, doesn't it? I've been won over by both Doe and this pattern. In fact, I love this quilt so much I'm giving it to my husband. I'm calling this one the "husband of the year" quilt. He earned it.

Since the retreat I have managed to finish both the Cotton + Steel and the Priory Square quilts! I've also finished the Doe top. So yeah, I've been doing a fair amount of sewing!

Priory Square "Boxed In" Quilt

Earlier this summer I visited a dear friend in beautiful Minneapolis, and then spent a week with my family at Lake Ontario in upstate New York. We go every summer but this year was especially fun. The good weather probably had something to do with it, and the boys are at "easier" ages... But I also went into vacation determined to have a good time and I swear it helped. Usually I get so stressed out that my husband doesn't want to do the things I want to do, or that the way we live is different from how my parents live. I'm a people pleaser and I live by "when in Rome," you know? This summer I just let everyone be. If we used up the paper towels? Who cares! If I wanted to swim and no one else did? I swam alone. And it was glorious. There was no sewing time on either trip, but there were trips to fabric stores. If you're ever in Minneapolis, I highly recommend Crafty Planet!

Lake Ontario

And that, friends, is a wrap. Happy summer, lovelies!

Linking to Finish it up Friday at Crazy Mom Quilts and TGIFF at My Quilt Infatuation.

Back to Square One

Uuuuuuuuugh. I have been making a lot of mistakes lately.

First there's the non-progress on my Anna Maria Horner Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Back in February I picked up some gray-ish/taupe-ish fabric for sashing. I cut it up and sashed the quilt. And then it sat. For months. (It is still sitting.) I never got around to adding the top and bottom sashing and finally realized why: because it is UGLY. Not only is the gray/taupe solid a bad color choice, the width of the sashing is all wrong -- way too wide. So now I need to rip it out and start over. This time I'm tempted to just sew the scrap columns together without sashing... Or, sash it with Kona Snow, 2 1/2 inches wide? Another color? I'm open to ideas; what do you think?

Before I ruined it with ugly sashing. 

OK, so then I managed to finish the Priory Square quilt top using the Boxed In pattern from the book Beyond Borders by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts. It looks fantastic. However... there were a lot of piecing errors, and most of them due to my laziness with regards to a 1/4 inch seam. Amateur hour, I know. Fortunately, I was able to square the quilt up and the solid sashing throughout hides my mistakes.

All the pretty boxes!

I wish I could say I learned my lesson with that quilt. Nope. I moved on to expand the Cotton + Steel plus quilt I started many moons ago. I took the perfect square and added columns. And when I tried sewing the new columns to the old square, the seams didn't line up. Not even close. Yep. Now, I do use a guide and while my seams may not always be perfect scant 1/4 inches, usually things DO line up. However, in this case, I used my new machine (Kim Gordon) to piece the new columns... and I had used my old machine (Kitty) to piece the original square. Different machines, different guides. I just wasn't thinking.

The original baby-sized square with pretty seams.

I got verrrrrry familiar with my seam ripper this past week. I wanted to forge ahead with the project and disregard the mistakes. I tried to get comfortable with that path. But--and I think this is a sign of growth--I couldn't do it. So I ripped out the entire new section, but I kept the original square and will finish it off into a baby quilt. Which is what it was originally going to be anyway. And, because I can't get this color story out of my head and I don't want all of those squares to go to waste, I not only retrimmed the new section, I cut out the squares to remake the old section. Once I get it all stitched up I'll still only be halfway done with the new, larger quilt, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

Whew. I wish I could say those were the only mistakes I've made, but there have been others. "Learning opportunities." Uh huh. I'm learning a lot. Hey, I'm happy to report that in between making errors learning opportunities I finally took the time to figure out the needle positions for a perfect 1/4 seam on Kim Gordon. (Side bar: isn't it annoying that a 1/4 inch foot doesn't make a 1/4 seam without some adjusting?!) SUCCESS!

On that note, here's my Quarter 3 Finish List. I've got the DCMQG sewing retreat in August and hope to get some quality stitching, so here's hoping there are a few finishes!

Priory Square quilt (above) -- piecing done; needs to be basted and quilted
Cotton + Steel (baby) plus quilt -- time to baste and quilt that baby!
Cotton + Steel plus quilt (the re-do) -- piecing in progress
AMH greatest hits scrap quilt -- let's not talk about it.

Project Piles:
Natural History twin quilt for M -- pattern picked
AMH mixed up king quilt
Doe strip quilt

Linking up to On the Windy Side for the 2015 Finish Along Q3!

For the love of quilters and unicorns

This.

This quilt is a gift to me from the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It is like a big, quilted hug from new friends. Guild members contributed blocks and Carissa, Vice President of the Guild, coordinated, pieced and quilted it. Every time I look at this quilt, I see something new. I am so thankful to have found this quilty home in the DCMQG.

Isn't this bag amazing? Do you see the tiny square of green? LOVE.

Before my diagnosis (breast cancer -- read more from here) I had participated only sparingly in the Guild. I didn't know more than a few of our members. One of the unexpected gifts of my treatment is that by standing out (hello, bald head), I was able to connect with people. I let down my guard, told my story, and let people in. I made friends! It has been so fun getting to know other people who love quilting. The DCMQG has been a not insignificant part of my recovery -- connecting offline, having the meetings to look forward, and finally attending a meeting before my final treatment, and again after it.

My first mom -- a quilter and a beautiful life lost to breast cancer -- loved unicorns. One of my last memories of her is that she had a stuffed unicorn beside her bed. I don't know what meaning unicorns had for her, but they will always remind me of her and our connection. Seeing the unicorn in this quilt was, well, pretty awesome.

In my twenties I sang in a band (don't get too excited -- we weren't very good; but thank you Sister and Sister's Friends for actually paying to hear us!). My favorite song of ours--our best song, if I dare say so--was "Unicorn Cat." I wrote it after a vivid dream in which my cat, yep, had a unicorn horn. It inspired a song about dreams, memories, and connecting with lost loved ones through the subconscious.

It began, "I had a dream that I had a unicorn cat..."

But the best verse was this one:
"Elusive memories I trap inside when I close my eyes,
You appear to me in signs.
These glimpses of past and future fading into one,
No consciousness of time."

No, you can't download the song on iTunes. Ha! That's a funny thought. But the guitarist and I are plotting to record it. So we'll see. Crazier things have happened.

Thank you, Carissa and DCMQG, for creating this beautiful quilt for me! It is magical. XOXO

Linking up to Quilty Thankful Thursday with so. much. gratitude.

Fabric Frenzy

A favorite pile.

Quilt Market was last week. I've never been, will probably not go (being an amateur quilter and all -- level one forever, baby). Still, it's hard to ignore: for days all of my feeds were full of Quilt Market photos, fabric launches, fabric purchases, fabric designers, fabric giveaways, fabric, fabric, fabric. It was too much, really. Don't get me wrong, I love fabric! I love print and color and seeing what people are making. Yet I am increasingly feeling overwhelmed by all of it, and no longer sure what my likes and dislikes are. 

My Guild, DCMQG, is in the middle of a zipper pouch swap. Swaps are nerve-wracking, in my opinion (what if they don't like what I make?! What if they request something beyond my skills?! What if...?!), but I'm challenging myself to be a participator because I love this Guild. Anyway, swaps always get me thinking about my favorite designers and fabrics and whether I could name one print as being my absolute favorite.

Could you? Do you have a favorite fabric?

When I started sewing I fell madly in love with Anna Maria Horner and her Field Study and Loulouthi lines. The throw quilt that sits on my bed remains my favorite quilt. I've started re-stashing many of the prints because the quilt brings me so much joy. Along the way, though, I've realized there are a few prints I can do without. And while I love all of them together, I'm not sure I could single out one print as my favorite.  

Pilar on her (our) favorite quilt.

I used to get so much joy out of fantasy fabric shopping. I'd visit my favorite online shops and fill up my cart with all of the prints. Echino, Anna Maria Horner, Lizzy House, Michael Miller novelty prints (I am a sucker for a good novelty print)... I still do this, usually lured in by a good sale, but it's more stressful and less fun. I am hyper-aware of how much fabric I've accumulated (still a fairly small stash, I think/hope), and I'm self-conscious about my choices. Do I love it, or is it just a fad? I'm often not sure.

At the last DCMQG meeting I sat next to Mary Fons (Mary Fons!). She was working on a beautiful baby quilt of tiny nine-patches, sashed in black. Her fabrics were small-scale prints, the sort of prints I don't usually buy. Her quilting style is so unequivocally hers, it got me thinking about my own style and taste. And there I was, blazing through the quilting on a self-described rush job -- a baby quilt I had whipped up quickly without much consideration for design. And the quilt I showed to the group? My Cotton + Steel plus quilt, still in progress. I was a little embarrassed by how faddish it seemed.

So I've realized: I've been coasting through my quilting. Making without a lot of intention, rushing to the finish (I love the finish). Don't get my wrong, I've made a lot of beautiful things and I am proud of them. I've chosen some really lovely fabrics. And my sewing has improved with the practice I've gotten from all of this making. But I think it's time to find my quilting voice.

I've started cutting the fabric for a quilt that will be a gift to a dear family member. I took a lot of time deciding on the pattern ("Boxed In" by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts, included in her book Skip the Borders), and I love the fabric I've chosen (Priory Square by Katy Jones) and I know she will, too.

Getting things squared away. Ha! 

But once I finish this project, I'm going to take a break from projects with self-imposed deadlines. I'm going to try to take some time to experiment and make what I love, and sew what I have. Which probably means a lot of simple patchwork with squares. For starters, I'm imagining a very large, king-sized quilt of 10-inch squares of my favorite Anna Maria Horner prints... OK, I admit it, I pulled that pile pictured at the top of this post expressly for the King quilt project. Seeing all the colors together makes me so happy. I should also finish my Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Greatest Hits = many favorites. And I'd like to finish the aforementioned Cotton + Steel plus quilt. It's not ALL Anna Maria Horner around here, after all. Heck, I've got a really pretty pile of Natural History by Lizzy House that is destined for M's bed, you know, when I get to it. And one thing I'm sure about? HE will love it.

So, OK, I have some favorite designers, and maybe some favorite fabric combinations. I even have a favorite quilt. But I haven't found my one favorite fabric yet. Let me know if you find yours. I might try applying Marie Kondo's rules and ask myself of each print in my stash: Does this fabric spark my joy? It just might work.

Come On, Get Happy!

My little guy is always looking for a smile. "You happy, mommy?" he asks. "Yes, I'm happy!" I reply, no matter what I was just thinking or if I was frowning. He grins and hugs me, and I am healed. In those moments I remember it really can be that easy to be happy.

And I am really happy. Do you see the bow I am wearing?! Is it not amazing?!

2015 has already been a pretty big year, between my surgery and treatments, turning 40, and celebrating 15 great years with the Husband. Through it all we've been surrounded by love and friendship. The really, really good stuff. My job continues to be amazing, stimulating and supportive. Our house is a home. My family is healthy and happy. My head is surprisingly round and smooth, and chemo made my skin beautiful! I have many reasons to be happy.

So this weekend we celebrated life and love with a party that brought our friends together, new and old. My brother, sister and brother-in-law drove down to be with us. I hired a dear friend, Lisa at This Calls for a Party, to plan and host the event. And we partied! (A little too hard, if we're honest -- yesterday was a sloooooow day.) My one regret is that we couldn't bring ALL of our friends together.

My cancer diagnosis was really, really shitty. Chemo was really, really shitty. Surgery was no picnic. The doctors appointments continue to seem endless. There are two more surgeries and a lifetime of surveillance ahead of me. It wouldn't be hard to focus on the pain, the inconvenience, the what-ifs... But I refuse to be held hostage by fear. So when H asks if I'm happy, I smile. And magically, I am transported to happiness.

You happy? 

Digging a little deeper -- on community

I joined the BRCA Sisterhood, a private Facebook group for women who have a BRCA mutation or other hereditary breast or ovarian cancer(s). 

I know, I just said the other day that I wasn't looking to connect with other survivors. 

But the conversation I had with my colleague has stayed with me. Why have I resisted connecting with other women going through similar experiences?

I was afraid to admit this, but I think in part I fear being surrounded by cancer. I don't want cancer to define me, and yes--I am afraid of cancer. I want to run as far away from it, as fast as I can. 

A few weekends ago I attended my first DC Modern Quilt Guild meeting of the year. I joined the Guild almost two years ago but hadn't mentally committed to participate until recently. Earlier this year I started engaging with other members on Instagram. They embraced me, even though only a few could probably remember ever meeting me! And when I started documenting my cancer journey, they supported me. The Guild President sent me coffee and fabric for a head scarf. The Vice President reached out by email to check on me. And members cheered me on as I moved from surgery to chemo to recovery.

Attending the meeting in April felt like a homecoming. I nearly burst into tears, walking into the room, hugging friends I hadn't met in person before. Community is amazing. 

That's the thing I do need: community. And I am grateful to have found it in different places--work, home, with friends, online, at DCMQG. Within these communities are, of course, other survivors. But the nature of our community is different. Our relationships aren't defined by cancer. That feels significant. 

I don't know what my participation will be like in the BRCA Sisterhood... but I am going to give it a try. Already it is clear that the group provides tremendous support to each other, to women at all stages of the journey. They are there if I need them and heck, I may have something to offer as well.

I haven't figured it all out, but I'm getting there. It's a process, right?

Ring the bell

I am done with chemo! Done, done, done! 

"Ring this bell

Three times well

A toll to clearly say

This treatment's done

My course is run

And I am on my way"

Sure, by tomorrow I will be feeling crappy and sure, I'll miss out on a beautiful weekend, and sure, it'll be another 10days before coffee tastes good again, and sure, I still have two surgeries* to complete... but hey--I AM DONE! No more chemo!

This is big, right? There have been moments on this journey--heck a lot of moments--when it just didn't feel real. Right now it feels a bit like a movie. Like it's not happening to me. I am fine, I am healthy, I don't have cancer, what is happening?! But then I tell myself it is real. This is real. It isn't a stunt, it's not a movie, this is actually my life. How did that happen? (Don't answer that. I know: BRCA.)

Back in the fall, before the diagnosis, I had dinner with two of my closest friends. I was telling them that I was going to have a mammogram and how I wasn't worried, just routine, cancer was my mom's story, it isn't mine. (Are you cringing because you know how that ended?!) The truth is, her story has always been my story. Her cancer -- and subsequent death -- is a defining chapter in my life. Finding out I had the BRCA mutation, that my mom likely had the BRCA mutation, was freeing. It explained this awful thing that happened to me. Not my cancer, my mom's cancer. If I had to have cancer myself to find that out, so be it. 

A colleague asked me the other day if I had connected with other survivors. "No," I quickly said. And then I stumbled to say why not. I hadn't thought about why not! (Why hadn't I thought about it?!) So I gave a rambling explanation that focused on these three things, all true:

--My prognosis was always excellent.

--I'm HAPPY and in a great place emotionally to handle a crisis.

--I have an awesome support network. (Thank you, village!)

But the most truthful answer, the one I just now figured out, on this last day of chemotherapy, is this: I have already survived cancer. It made me who I am. I've got 32 years of survivorship! I've GOT this. 

Suck it, chemo. 

*Two more surgeries: one to get my new boobs, one to remove my ovaries. Addition, subtraction.