Sunday, December 21, 2014


I've known I have cancer for nine days. The words still feel shocking in my mouth and to my ear. I imagine myself at the grocery store or the library, telling anyone who will listen, "I have cancer!" The thought repels and thrills at the same time.

The day we found out we stopped at the market to pick up wine and a few groceries. The cashier asked us how we were and then moaned about finals week. "Cheer up, I have cancer!" I thought but didn't say it.

On Wednesday I told my parents, and last night my brother. Tomorrow I tell my sister. It is hard to assure people who have been devastated by cancer--who remember how cancer rips apart lives and pushes them together--that yours isn't that kind, that it is different, that you will survive. It is hard to tell people who have suffered too much loss, that there is a new threat to their security. It is hard to tell people you love that you are hurt.

I don't know how big to draw the circle, who should know and when. There are people I don't want to tell and others to whom I just don't want to be the messenger. There are old friends who don't know and new ones who do. It is all as random as this cancer might be.

The final lab test on the biopsy came back negative for the HER2 Neu protein. That is a good result. Monday I see the plastic surgeon and have my blood drawn for genetic testing, the results of which I won't have until early January. Then it is decision time. 

I read the MRI results and saw the reference to the second lump and a recommendation for an MRI-guided biopsy. Not another MRI! 


I finished up the cat and mouse quilt for L. I washed it and it is perfect. I am so excited to gift this quilt to one of my favorite littles, about to turn 5. This finish is also motivating me to wrap up the unicorn quilt for J in time for her sixth birthday. The top is so beautiful. I will miss it when it is no longer hanging in my house.

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