Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A sweet zipper pouch

Last week a new friend from book group celebrated her birthday. Annie is smart, sassy, and wickedly funny. There is nothing like a new friend crush to motivate me to do a little sewing, so I sewed this sweet little zipper pouch up and gifted it at book group (the night before surgery!).



Annie's favorite color is yellow. I don't have a ton of yellow in my stash, but the yellow Lizzy House pearl bracelet print is one of my favorites so I stuck it inside where it would be sure to bring happiness whenever Annie opens up her pouch! For the exterior I grabbed my scraps and pulled out these sweet squares for the front, and a favorite unicorn for the back. I went for whimsical and fun, knowing Annie's daughter would put this to use if it was too girly for the Birthday Girl herself. 



A year ago I started sorting my scraps into squares and strips, so I had these 2.5in squares handy after making the far, far away unicorn quilt a few weeks ago.

In the last year my pouch-making skills have improved dramatically. Not only is my stitching better, my zipper ends look cleaner. And, design-wise, I have really fallen in love with Essex linen and how it can class up the simplest of projects. Yep, I'm proud of myself. My sewing is getting better. Less approximate!

Annie loved the pouch. Yay!


Monday, January 26, 2015

The first five days

Surgery complete and recovery in process!

The surgery was a long 7 hours. When I woke up I was groggy, nauseous and sore. The nurse was cranky. I had to wait nearly five hours for my room. But my doctors and husband came by and I was able to comprehend the good news through the narcotic fog: no cancer in my lymph nodes, and both nipples saved! No implants, though. I will have to go through the long, usual expansion process. And, chemo still hasn't been ruled out. 

The first 24 hours after surgery were awful. The anesthesia kicked my butt and I couldn't shake the nausea. Every hour someone came in to take my vitals, give me pills, or poke me. My arm ached. My skin was itchy. 

Once I ate solid food, got some Valium and a little sleep, i started to feel better. The second night I convinced a doctor to do something about the tape and itching and the nurse scrubbed off the iodine that was making my skin crawl. A little more human. On the last day I switched from a morphine drip to Percocet and I felt even better. Ready to go home!

My parents were able to visit, my husband, my sister, my mother in law, and my best friend. Having them near was so important. The nurses were amazing. I hated being helpless, needing to ask for help to stand, to wash, to eat. So much I used to take for granted.

When I came home I cried when I hugged my kids. I slept a full night. I opened an assortment of gifts and read emails that reminded me I am loved. I watched the most recent episode of "Parenthood" and had a good, long, cathartic cry. All of the pent up emotions, the overwhelming feelings, released.

It took me a few days to look at myself in the mirror. To face my stitches. My breasts are mostly gone, but I look okay. And with a few days behind me, I know I will be okay. If chemo is next, so be it. It used to be the thing I feared most. But I'm a survivor. I just keep keeping on.

So many people have stepped up to help. The village is strong! I am so grateful. Food, kid care, books, treats, socks, flowers, and more. So much beauty in the village. So much love. I am spoiled.

Tonight H, my little guy, sleeps beside me. He may not return to his bed for a few days yet. We are needing each other right now and it's more than ok. M, my big guy, is processing the changes. He is smart and sensitive and kind. He leans on his father and his grandmother, but he comes to tell me he loves me. He needs me in different ways, and in time we will get back to where we were. For now I remind them both I am not leaving. I am here. 


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Let's do this

Today I have cancer, tomorrow I won't! So wild.

Tomorrow I have surgery. I am feeling ready. A little excited -- weird?! I am just really happy to be moving past cancer and into recovery. It will take a week to get the pathology back, but I am fully expecting to be free and clear.

My parents are here, and my sister and mother in law are coming this weekend. Friends are cooking and helping with the boys. The village is strong! I am so grateful. I spent the long weekend cleaning, making lists, and prepping family and friends to help us manage life the next few weeks. And playing! Trains with the boys, a movie with the boys, and a movie with the husband. There was a little sewing, too.

It might sound a little crazy, but I have to remind myself that this is a big deal. The cancer is small, but the surgery is big. One of the surgeons in GW's breast center practice had the same surgery--preventive, because of a family history of breast cancer--and wrote a sobering piece about what to expect. It will be six weeks of rest and recovery. Pain (and the big feelings). No dog walks, no carrying the boys, no dishes. OK, I'm cheering the no dishes!

So there won't be much sewing happening for the next few weeks, either, but I'm sure there will be fabric shopping and quilt planning. And eventually, a fancy new sewing machine. Rewards for kicking Cruella in the arse.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

First Finish of 2015, Secret Blogs

My first finish of the year! I am SO in love with this quilt. I picked up a few prints from the new run of Far, Far Away by Heather Ross and jumped in. As I got started, I added a few Anna Maria Horner prints. I made blocks a bit at random, and the layout confounded me for weeks. But with help from the Artist, we got it just right.



The back is another Heather Ross print (Nanny Bees) with some Kona. I really don't love the Kona color (is it bubblegum?), but I made do with what I had. This is for a purple loving gal who just turned 6 so I'm not too worried. 



When I started this blog I intended to chronicle my sewing adventures. I called it Exactly Approximate to embrace the imperfect. To give myself space to accept that where I am in my sewing journey--aka not an expert--is okay. Things don't have to be perfect to be pretty. I wanted to create space for myself to learn and enjoy the process, including the mistakes, the puckers, the thread tension issues! (I hadn't imagined that I'd also end up chronicling a cancer diagnosis and treatment. But I wanted to record it somewhere, so here it is.)

Of course, this is a relatively Secret Blog. I'm slowing working up the confidence in my writing.

Another thing that has held me back is my lack of photography skills. You can't really have a sewing blog if you don't post photos, and my photography skills are so poor I've been reluctant to take many pictures of my work. I should embrace my photos as "exactly approximate," right?

Lucky me, the Artist was more than enthusiastic about taking some good photos today. He set up his tripod, tacked up the quilt to our garage (see the binder clips holding it?), and took photos until we had something we liked. 

In about an hour this beauty will be out of the wash and I'll run it down the block to the birthday girl. 



Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The big feelings

My surgery is in one week. I am rapidly getting to the point when all of the appointments will have been made, help will be lined up, and work shifted to my colleagues. And then, when I walk in for surgery and later when recovery begins, I'll be left with the big feelings.

Soon after receiving my diagnosis I moved swiftly into action mode. Make appointments, see doctors, tell people, sort out insurance, make decisions. LOTS of decisions. This is me at my best -- action mode. Get it done mode.

And I have made all of these things happen with a smile on my face. I'm happy! I love my job! I love my family! I feel healthy! I'm going to be fine! I am forging through this whole process, the experience, without giving any space to doubt or feel sad. It's a little ridiculous. How can I be so fine, so happy, when I have cancer?

But I'm a survivor and for thirty-one years, survival mode has served me well. Just push on through, get to the other side of loss or pain (feel as little as possible), believe it will be okay and it will. And I am OK.

Except, this isn't a task list I can complete and throw away. This isn't something I can avoid feeling. Having the big surgery -- the double M -- might enable me to skip some of the uncertainty and the fear, but the physical recovery will hurt.

The hospital is offering me a nerve blocker to manage the pain. "Like an epidural," they describe it. Except I've never had an epidural. I have no idea what that's like. When I was pregnant the idea of dulling the pain scared me. I knew I could do it, just push through labor, and I did. I wasn't afraid of the hurt. But this time I think maybe I won't want to feel the pain. With the pain might come the big feelings.








Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Works in Progress

My mantra at work is "Just get it done." It has helped me push through projects, bad work environments, yucky politics, you name it. It carries over into my personal life, too. (Case in point, these days I am all about making the doctor appointments, scheduling surgery, lining up the village, taking care of business!)

I like the finish. I try to enjoy the process of things, but I really like reaching the end. The sense of accomplishment, bringing things to completion. That's definitely true of my sewing. I don't tend to ditch projects partway through. On the downside, I sometimes rush. I'm a little too comfortable with approximate. Still, every finish is better than the last.

Anyway, sometimes it is nice to start a new project, and sometimes I do need a break from one until the mood or creativity strikes again. So while I ultimately aim to finish everything, it can be nice to work on a few things at once. I currently have five works in progress (WIPs) waiting to be finished. I entered my first ever Finish Along, which is maybe a little optimistic given that I'm about to have major surgery. But whatever. I'm determined to make time for sewing, and I have got to finish this unicorn quilt SOON!


Left Column:
1. Priory Square fabric. This is a big stretch, but I plan to make a quilt for someone very dear and generous. All I have done is pull the fabric. Which is all from the one collection. Lazy? Practical? Pretty.
2. A scrappy, wonky star I made and let sit because I wasn't wowed by the colors. The Artist (aka Husband) claims to like it. So I'm just going to Get it Done and turn it into a pillow.
3. A fussy cut bird from Echino. This is my latest distraction, just for fun, when I can't be working on something else. I'm going to make myself a mini quilt to hang on the wall. It's a 6.5 inch square, perfect for trying a new quilt block... So far all I've decided is that this bird looks great with the Anna Maria Horner true colors print Haystack Bouquet in "country" (red) or "moss" (blue).

Right Column:
1. Greatest Hits. This is the start of a scrappy quilt full of beloved Anna Maria Horner scraps (and 1-2 Tula Pink favorites). I did have to cut into some fabric to add a few strips, but the vast majority were leftovers sitting in my box of strip scraps! 
2. The Unicorn Quilt. The top and back are done, I just need to make the time and space to baste and quilt this baby. I am so excited about this one, and can't wait to show some photos of it in its full glory! This little photo doesn't do it justice. It is gorgeous. I will be sad to give it away, but it is for one of my favorite littles who is turning 6 in less than 2 weeks. Yikes, that is soon.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Me and Angelina

Friday I met with the genetic counselor and learned that I have the BRCA2 mutation. The news was both surprising and not surprising. I suspected it, given that my mom and I both developed cancer before 40. But I had also reserved some mental space for Cruella to be just a really unfortunate coincidence.

So what does it mean? My takeaways from the genetic counselor:
1. There's a high risk I'll develop another, unrelated breast cancer. Some research suggests 60%?
2. There's a higher than normal risk of developing ovarian cancer--about 20%.
3. I can either have a double mastectomy or treat the current cancer and follow up with an MRI or mammogram (alternating) every 6 months. (And then treat any new cancers that may develop.)
4. I should have my ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed to prevent ovarian cancer.

I really didn't prepare myself for that last bit of news. Take out my ovaries?! Wow.
 Medically-induced menopause. I need to treat the cancer first, but I'll likely be having the oophorectomy later this year.

I'm pretty certain I will have a double mastectomy. I'm putting off thinking about what that will be like, how I will feel, what the recovery will entail. Right now I'm in decision mode. Trying to not FEEL. It's just too big.

(Angelina Jolie inherited the BRCA1 mutation. You can read about it in her own words here.)

***

I spent a few hours this weekend sewing up a new library tote bag and a couple zipper pouches (including this adorable coin purse) for my BFF's birthday. Three different zipper methods in 24 hours. Whew! I used this AMH honor roll print with this linen mochi dot by MoMo for Moda for the tote. Love both of these fabrics mucho much. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

2014 in pictures

A lot of sewing in 2014! Maybe I'll make photography a goal for 2016...

QUILTS! I made 12 quilts this year, and gifted 10 of them (6 for new babies, 1 for charity, 1 for a special 5 year old, 1 for mom, and 1 for my BFF on her 40th). The chevron at the bottom right lives in our living room and makes me so happy. It matches the chevron quilt I made my sister last summer. 


A fun, no-sew DIY reupholstery project. Lots of scrap pillows. A bunch of tote bags (at least four, including two Noodlehead 241 totes) and two adorable divided baskets (another awesome Noodlehead pattern). There were also many zipper bags, including three teacher gifts, all using scraps. 


I organized my scraps this year following a tip I saw somewhere (Pinterest?): 2.5in, 3.5in, and 5in squares, as well as strips in a variety of widths. I spent a weekend cutting scraps with the Winter Olympics on in the background. Since then I have been good about keeping up with they scrap pile and tossing tiny bits I won't use. (I do have some smaller than the squares, saved in baggies, but I haven't used them... Not sure if I ever will.) I've had so much fun pulling squares, playing with patterns, and making scrappy pouches and pillows with them.

Right now I have this beautiful scrap quilt on my makeshift design wall:


Thursday, January 1, 2015

#determination #2015

Hello, new year. This year I will celebrate my 40th birthday and 15th wedding anniversary. I have been looking forward to this year and to a big party and a big trip (Venice? Hawaii? Disney with the family?). And a fancy new sewing machineCruella's entrance in the final month of 2014 certainly put a damper on things. It has made 2015 seem less like a year for celebrating.  

That said, 2014 was mostly a good year for me. I stretched in my work and figured out what I DONT want to do, landed a fabulous new job that so far is what I DO want to do, made lots of time for sewing and sewed some pretty beautiful things, loved (and was loved by) my guys, and enjoyed being happy. I found peace and balance.

I want those celebrations this year. I want the peace and balance I just found. I will not let Cruella upend my world.

So: happy New Year! Let's do this.

2015 Goals:
1. Kick cruella's arse.
2. Celebrate the heck out of my birthday, anniversary, and achieving goal 1.
3. Live, love, laugh. 

2015 sewing to do list:
1. Tote bag for S's birthday (and a matching change purse?)
2. Finish the unicorn quilt for J
3. Finish the AMH scrap quilt
4. Priory Square quilt for K
5. Quilt for KK (Lizzy house cats? Cotton and Steel kitties?)
6. Baby quilt for B
7. Divided basket for B
8. Divided basket for me!
9. Try 6 new quilt blocks
10. Make a quilt for charity