2015 Wrap Up -- Determination

WHEW! Happy New Year, friends! What a difference a year makes. Last January I was reeling from my breast cancer diagnosis ("Cruella") in December, learned that I carry the BRCA2 mutation, and was preparing for the first of four (!) surgeries. That time feels both far away and not so long ago.

I've been writing and re-writing my thoughts about 2015, and I haven't quite found the words to express what I'm feeling. I thought I'd be rushing to the new year, but as happy as I am to be closing the cancer chapter of my life, my feelings about the year are overall pretty positive. Seems strange, but it's true. I'm grateful to have learned so much about myself, and to have experienced the support and friendship of so many. SO many. I feel grateful and lucky.

Last year I chose "determination" as my word and I was certainly determined. I planned to make six quilts and finished 14. All while working a full-time job, parenting two small kids, and undergoing cancer treatment. (I made 12 in 2014 and didn't expect to beat that, but turns out sewing is excellent therapy.)

I planned to recap my 2015 goals and sewing to do list, but that seems boring so instead I'll tell you about some of my favorite finishes.

1. Greatest Hits: an improv scrap quilt of Anna Maria Horner prints, with a few Tula Pink prints thrown in. I struggled with this quilt -- couldn't figure out how to make it work. Usually I would force it to get to the finish, but this time I let it sit until I could see how it was meant to be. Finished in December 2015 and gifted to Caroline. One of three projects for the Q4 Finish Along.

2. Husband of the Year: a quilt for the Husband. My best work to date. Blogged. Also one of my goals for Q4 of the Finish Along.

3. Plus Quilt 4: a baby quilt for Maude. I loved the ease of pulling fabrics in the same color. This was no-pressure sewing at its best! See also my Cotton + Steel plus quilt and a quilt for T.

4. Unicorn Quilt for Jane: This was my first finish of the year, and it's one of my favorites. I'm so proud of how it came together. Blogged.

How about you? What was your word for 2015? Did it ring true? Here's to your health and happiness in a new year!


Linking up with the 2015 Finish Along hosted by Adrienne at On the Windy Side.

Surviving Cruella -- Update/Recap

Post Shower Selfie!

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is a great day. Always good to start with good news, right? I took my FIRST SHOWER IN 3 1/2 WEEKS (ahhhhh), and I'm going sewing machine shopping with my BFF today! I cannot wait. I am going to give 3-4 Janome machines a test run. Hospital bills be damned, I am buying a fancy pants machine. Happy early birthday to me!

There's a lot happening over here in cancer land, and Monday is going to be a big day*. I've been thinking about everything that has happened over the last couple of months and thought I'd lay out the timeline. So let's recap, shall we?

4/12/83 -- The world loses a beautiful, witty, loving soul, mother, daughter and friend. My first mother, Christine Elaine, succumbs to breast cancer at 37 years young.

December 2013 -- I finally ask for and receive a referral for a mammogram. I am 38.

October 2014 -- I have my first mammogram at the GW Breast Center. It is quick and easy!

November 2014 -- I return for follow up imaging, spend four hours at the Center, and learn I have a lump that needs to be biopsied.

December 9, 2014 -- I have a needle core biopsy. The radiologist expresses concern and offers that she will rush the results.

December 12, 2014 -- Husband and I return to the Center and hear for the first time that I have invasive ductal carcinoma in the right breast. The tumor is tiny but must be removed either through lumpectomy or mastectomy before it spreads. We name it Cruella De Vil.

December 15, 2014 -- MRI confirms the tumor, does not show lymph node involvement, and finds a second, small, ambiguous growth to be biopsied if not removed via mastectomy. I plan for genetic testing to help me decide lumpectomy or mastectomy.

(Holidays, merry, merry)

January 2, 2015 -- Genetic test results confirm I carry the BRCA2 gene mutation associated with a higher risk of breast and ovarian cancers. I learn I will have to have my ovaries and tubes removed, in addition to removing/treating the breast cancer. I am relieved and decide on a double mastectomy.

January 21, 2015 -- I have the double mastectomy surgery; no implants but the plastic surgeon saved my nipples. My lymph nodes are clear -- the cancer is stage 1, hooray! I feel sore, nauseous, overwhelmed, and optimistic. The Village kicks into high gear with visits, flowers, food, gifts, and lots of love and support. 

(recovery, recovery, recovery)

February 5, 2015 -- We meet with a high-risk oncologist about my BRCA2 status; she says "a short course -- 12 weeks --  of chemotherapy" is a distinct possibility because of my "young" age. I am completely confused by her description of how the oncotype test works. 12 weeks of chemo sounds like an eternity. Treating cancer when my breasts are gone and lymph nodes are clear seems excessive, but I agree to reserve judgement until we know what we are talking about. 

February 7, 2015 -- Percocet withdrawal knocks me on my butt. I cave and re-dose, vow to follow the doctor's slow withdrawal plan.

NEW: February 12, 2015 -- The second/final drain is removed and breast expansion begins! I haven't showered in 3 1/2 weeks; I plan an epic shower for Saturday, 2/14.

NEW: February 13, 2015 -- The oncotype results are finally in! The patient navigator can only tell me I am "kind of in the middle" and will need to discuss with the oncologist. Chemotherapy seems even more likely. I again try and fail at Percocet withdrawal; slow down even more. 

Now that we're current, here's a look at what's next. 

*February 16, 2015 -- Husband and I are going in for our first meeting with the oncologist who will treat me (as opposed to the high-risk oncologist who helps me evaluate my overall cancer risk and planing vein my BRCA2 carrier status). We will receive the actual oncotype test result, discuss what it means and what my treatment options are. 

February 17, 2015 -- My first day back to the office in a month!

There is still a lot TBD for 2015. 

Under Construction -- my new boobs!

TBD -- The actual treatment plan and implementation.

TBD -- The oopherectomy to remove my ovaries and tubes.

But one thing is certain: I am kicking Cruella's asssss and we're going to celebrate the heck out of it in April.

Let's do this

Today I have cancer, tomorrow I won't! So wild.

Tomorrow I have surgery. I am feeling ready. A little excited -- weird?! I am just really happy to be moving past cancer and into recovery. It will take a week to get the pathology back, but I am fully expecting to be free and clear.

My parents are here, and my sister and mother in law are coming this weekend. Friends are cooking and helping with the boys. The village is strong! I am so grateful. I spent the long weekend cleaning, making lists, and prepping family and friends to help us manage life the next few weeks. And playing! Trains with the boys, a movie with the boys, and a movie with the husband. There was a little sewing, too.

It might sound a little crazy, but I have to remind myself that this is a big deal. The cancer is small, but the surgery is big. One of the surgeons in GW's breast center practice had the same surgery--preventive, because of a family history of breast cancer--and wrote a sobering piece about what to expect. It will be six weeks of rest and recovery. Pain (and the big feelings). No dog walks, no carrying the boys, no dishes. OK, I'm cheering the no dishes!

So there won't be much sewing happening for the next few weeks, either, but I'm sure there will be fabric shopping and quilt planning. And eventually, a fancy new sewing machine. Rewards for kicking Cruella in the arse.

Me and Angelina

Friday I met with the genetic counselor and learned that I have the BRCA2 mutation. The news was both surprising and not surprising. I suspected it, given that my mom and I both developed cancer before 40. But I had also reserved some mental space for Cruella to be just a really unfortunate coincidence.

So what does it mean? My takeaways from the genetic counselor:

1. There's a high risk I'll develop another, unrelated breast cancer. Some research suggests 60%?
2. There's a higher than normal risk of developing ovarian cancer--about 20%.
3. I can either have a double mastectomy or treat the current cancer and follow up with an MRI or mammogram (alternating) every 6 months. (And then treat any new cancers that may develop.)
4. I should have my ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed to prevent ovarian cancer.

I really didn't prepare myself for that last bit of news. Take out my ovaries?! Wow. Medically-induced menopause. I need to treat the cancer first, but I'll likely be having the oophorectomy later this year.

I'm pretty certain I will have a double mastectomy. I'm putting off thinking about what that will be like, how I will feel, what the recovery will entail. Right now I'm in decision mode. Trying to not FEEL. It's just too big.

(Angelina Jolie inherited the BRCA1 mutation. You can read about it in her own words here.)

***

I spent a few hours this weekend sewing up a new library tote bag and a couple zipper pouches (including this adorable coin purse) for my BFF's birthday. Three different zipper methods in 24 hours. Whew! I used this AMH honor roll print with this linen mochi dot by MoMo for Moda for the tote. Love both of these fabrics mucho much. 

#determination #2015

Hello, new year. This year I will celebrate my 40th birthday and 15th wedding anniversary. I have been looking forward to this year and to a big party and a big trip (Venice? Hawaii? Disney with the family?). And a fancy new sewing machine! Cruella's entrance in the final month of 2014 certainly put a damper on things. It has made 2015 seem less like a year for celebrating.  

That said, 2014 was mostly a good year for me. I stretched in my work and figured out what I DONT want to do, landed a fabulous new job that so far is what I DO want to do, made lots of time for sewing and sewed some pretty beautiful things, loved (and was loved by) my guys, and enjoyed being happy. I found peace and balance.

I want those celebrations this year. I want the peace and balance I just found. I will not let Cruella upend my world.

So: happy New Year! Let's do this.

2015 Goals:

1. Kick cruella's arse.

2. Celebrate the heck out of my birthday, anniversary, and achieving goal 1.

3. Live, love, laugh. 

2015 sewing to do list:

1. Tote bag for S's birthday (and a matching change purse?)

2. Finish the unicorn quilt for J

3. Finish the AMH scrap quilt

4. Priory Square quilt for K

5. Quilt for KK (Lizzy house cats? Cotton and Steel kitties?)

6. Baby quilt for B

7. Divided basket for B

8. Divided basket for me!

9. Try 6 new quilt blocks

10. Make a quilt for charity

Plans, interrupted

I had modest sewing plans for the holidays this year. I thought I would make pillow shams--two sets of two--and finish up one or both of the quilt tops I made a few months ago. I ended up making zipper pouches for M's teachers and tote bags for three colleagues. And just this morning I finally basted one of the quilt tops. (The other one will be postponed until January.)

Cruella has certainly thrown a wrench into my plans, although sewing is always a welcome distraction. I have a few more work days to get through, too. Then we pack, travel, unpack, travel again, and finally rest for a long weekend before returning to the real world.

One of my favorite blogs, Habit, is ending. I love the introspective, wistful, warm reflections paired with beautiful snapshots of life. I will miss it when it is gone. Maybe I will just have to start over and revisit the original posts... Or learn to take a decent photograph of my own.

I had thought his blog would be a place to document my sewing journey. I don't know if that is still true. I've never shared it. And a (secret) sewing blog with few to no photographs really isn't worthwhile.

Just a few weeks ago I thought the most pressing concern before me was how to celebrate my 40th birthday in April. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now, with the new year looming, I'm not sure I even feel like making any resolutions. Maybe a sewing to do list. Maybe not. I also thought I would be planning travel. Some with family (disneyworld in May?), some with the Artist (Hawaii? Europe?)... Rescheduling that passport appointment is at the bottom of the to do list, and planning trips below that.

I feel fine. In some ways this all feels inevitable. 

Cruella de Vil

Well, Santa really screwed up big time. I have breast cancer! I'm auditioning code names. Current leader is Cruella. We toyed with Sammy Hagar, Mitch McConnell and Caillou, but it's just better for the soul to hate on a fictional character and hey, Caillou is just a (very annoying) kid.

The Artist and I received the news yesterday morning. The poor doctor who did the biopsy looked stricken. It's only 8-9mm. ER+ and PR-. We don't really know what that means yet but she said it is "favorable." Monday I have an MRI, presumably to see if it is contained, and Tuesday I meet with the breast surgeon. The doctor was not kidding when she said they move fast.

Today I feel remarkably fine. Normal. I am trying to just go with the feeling because soon there will be so much to deal with. A more complete diagnosis, genetic testing, a treatment plan, health insurance to sort out, paperwork, who to tell and when...

Somehow yesterday was a really great day in spite of the bad news. The Artist knows how to take care of me. Lunch in bed, a favorite tv show, a simple DIY project, a walk with the dogs, a trip to goodwill to purge some old toys, and a $300 grocery run. Followed up with an Indian feast.

This could make for a very interesting Christmas letter. "This year C got a great new job -- and cancer!" "Things will really heat up when C starts radiation!" 

FU, Cruella. You are going down.