Finished: a quilt for the Husband of the Year!

Oh, yeah: I finished this back in October. My first finish in Q4 of the 2015 Finish Along!

No big news here, this was a rough year. Through it all I had a true champion and partner at my side.

He's the love of my life. He makes me laugh and sing. He makes coffee in the morning, and dinner at night. He loves our boys and is the center of their world. He encourages me in all things. He takes "in sickness and in health" seriously.

This quilt is my interpretation of the Framed Coins pattern in the book Skip the Borders by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts. I love how it turned out. In fact, I think this is the best quilt I've ever made, so it's fitting that it now belongs to the person representing the best decision of my life. 

It came to life at the summer retreat I attended with my guild, DC Modern Quilt Guild. The Doe fabric line by Carolyn Friedlander confounded me for some time, but once I paired it with a few solids I saw its potential. I edited out a few prints, including the orange print which I added back at the last minute. It really pops against the marine solid, doesn't it? 

I managed to cut the entire quilt and piece all of the sections during the retreat. When I returned home I finished the top and matched it with Tula Pink's Free Fall in gray. I LOVE this line of wide quilt backs; it is a super soft sateen. 



It felt risky at the time, but I started on very dense quilting and am so glad I did. The texture is incredible. That said, the dense quilting is no joke: hours and hours and hours. It took a lot of perseverance to finish this baby.

Here's to the Husband of the Year!

Quilt! Landscaping! 

Gettin' Quilty: Works in Progress

It's been a while since I posted about my quilty progress. I still get hung up on my poor photography and I haven't been able to get outside to take decent photographs. You'll just have to bear with me, because there's a lot to document!

Right now I have five different projects in the works. That's a lot for me. I'm a finisher: I don't have a closet full of unquilted tops and I have only one orphaned block. I sew a lot--most weekends and some during the week--and have averaged one quilt per month for the last two years. I like to get things done, and having too many ongoing projects can get me down.

Two things I've learned about my sewing personality are that I do like to have a few projects going (ideally in different stages) to keep me motivated and inspired, and I like to work in stages (i.e. get all of the piecing done before starting the quilting on any one thing).

When I started my marathon sewing session last weekend, I had one top ready for basting, two tops in the piecing stage, four placemats in the quilting/binding stage, and one stack of scraps needing to be pressed. I made progress on everything except the scrap project--a scrap vortex quilt that will likely take me months to finish. I finished ALL of the piecing (scrap project not included) before attaching my walking foot and starting on the quilting. 

1. Greatest Hits Quilt -- I re-pieced the backing and basted it.

 

I had a little help with the basting.

 

 

2. A quilt for Elise -- A dear friend is a family photographer and generously agreed to a trade. I pieced the whole top and pieced the backing (minus a border requiring more fabric)! Pattern is Welded by Art Gallery Fabrics. I mixed Kona white and steel with prints by Anna Maria Horner, Carolyn Friedlander and Tula Pink. 

 

 

 

3. A quilt for a baby girl -- I pieced the strips together and pieced a backing. Now it waits for basting!

 

 

4. Placemats --  I finished the quilting on two, and starting binding this set of four. 

 

Whew. I'm hoping to make a little more progress this weekend, and to get all four of these projects done before Christmas (although technically only one is a holiday gift). I think I can do it if I resist the temptation to start new projects!

Happy weekend, all!

On love and loss. For mom.

Mom and me, circa 1975

My mom would have been 70 years old this month.

She has been gone 32 years and yet, sometimes the feeling of loss is so strong it surprises me. 

When I think of my mom I give thanks for my life and my family. I remember that she called me "muffin." I remember when she cut her hair short and then shorter. I remember my eighth birthday party, her resting on the couch while I opened my presents and me not knowing I had only ten more days to share with her. I remember that I always felt loved. 

I realize how little I know about her or am likely to ever know. I wonder what kind of birthday cake she liked, and what her favorite flavor of ice cream was. I wonder if any of her relatives had blue eyes like my boys. I wonder what our last words were to each other, and if I was brave enough to say goodbye or to tell her that I love her. I think about myself -- how I am strong, sensitive, and self-aware. I wish she could tell me that I am smart, I am beautiful, I am a good mom. I wish I had inherited her straight nose. I wish she could sew with me. I wish she was here.

In July I attended a training and the ice breaker exercise was to “tell your story” about why you do the work you do. We had no prep time, so out popped the raw, unfiltered truth: I was drawn to social justice work because the world has never been the way it was supposed to be. Losing my mom upended my life. Doing this work is an act of self-preservation: the best way to avoid being fully consumed by grief is to work to make this world a little better. My voice cracked, tears sprung in my eyes, and I was absolutely mortified and shocked by this deep truth and to have shared it with virtual strangers.

When my mom was dying of breast cancer, she arranged for her best friend to adopt me and my brother. I was eight and my brother was five. We were raised in a loving household with two siblings. We are a family born out of loss and love. 

My boys are now six and four. I am filled with conflicting emotions, wanting to both slow down time because we are here, together, and wanting to speed it up so I can guarantee that I will be with them longer. That we will survive together. Since my diagnosis it feels like the clock is always ticking, ticking, ticking: at any moment the cancer could come back. I can quiet the noise, but it never fully goes away. 

Over these last few years I have found myself marking my lifetime against her lifetime. First it was turning 37, her age at death, then outliving her at 38, my diagnosis at 39. For many years I had so little connection to her and then BAM! She is here with me, all the time. Some days it feels like I am living her life, making her hobbies my own, being her do-over.   

On reflection, my family rarely talked about my mom when I was growing up. We didn’t hang photos of her. Most of our energy went into creating our “new” family. I wish we had found a way to create space for her in our family – the family created by her love. I wish my boys could know her, know how much her love for me is in my love for them. 

I sat on this post for a few weeks because I couldn't find the right photo of her to share. The photos I wish I had don't exist. (We can blame the 70s. Also, cancer.) But tonight, over dinner, I am going to share the photos I do have with my boys. And I will tell them everything I can remember about my mom, but mostly that she loved me, and I loved her, and I love them. 

In memory of my mom, Christine Elaine (October 16, 1945-April 12, 1983). 

Mom and me, Christmas 1975

100 Quilts for Kids

Do you know about 100 Quilts for Kids?

Each year the DC Modern Quilt Guild hosts this charity sewing event, and donates quilts to kids in need. This year our quilts were donated to DC General. 119 quilts were linked up this year (some donated to the charity of the maker's choosing)!

Last year was my first year contributing. I made a baby quilt on my own and contributed blocks to a group quilt. This year I've done the same.

Photo by DCMQG President Melinda, Quirky Granola Girl.

I found these orphaned, scrappy log cabin blocks while cleaning up my supply bins. I made them at least a year ago. They didn't speak to me then, but when I found them I thought they'd be perfect for a baby quilt--and I had just enough!

This taupe-ish-gray border is the same solid I originally used to sash my scrappy Anna Maria Horner coin quilt strips. I still don't love it, but I wanted to use what I have. Besides, white sashing really isn't practical for a baby quilt... right?

A few people asked me about the quilting: it is the squiggle stitch programmed on my machine. It's nice to switch it up sometimes. :)

You can see some of the fabulous quilts on Instagram, #100quilts4kids.

Q4 Finish Along

It's the last quarter of 2015! Hallelujah. I cannot wait to kick this year to the curb.

Last year I finished 12 quilts and I'm on track to at least match that this year.

Here's my Finish Along list for Q4:

1. AMH Greatest Hits: I am finally going to get this done! After lots of heartburn I finished a top and just need to get it quilted and bound. Woot!

2. Husband of the Year (Doe): this one is quilted and ready to be bound!

3. Wanderer Placemats: first and possibly only holiday gift I'll make this year.

That's it. I got so much done in Q3 that I have only these projects in the works right now. In fact, not only did I get three finishes from my official list done, I managed to whip up two additional baby quilts. Go me!

I do have quite a few fabric piles by my machine, but I haven't landed on a design for any of them yet.

A. Lizzy House Natural History -- to be a quilt for M! He wants to add in robots. I can't decide if I'll stick to the blues and greens or use all of the colors in this line. Hmm...

B. Christmas quilt! I've got some of Tinsel by Cotton + Steel, as well as a few Anna Maria Horner prints that are destined to be a holiday quilt.

C. The Anna Maria Horner king quilt. I'll probably end up going with big squares for this one. I've been hoarding prints from a variety of her lines to make a giant quilt for our bed.

I'm looking for patterns appropriate for large-scale designs/big blocks.  Any ideas?

Linking up to the 2015 Finish Along hosted by On the Windy Side.

A quilt for T.

"They lived and laughed and loved and left." --James Joyce

My friend's 16-year-old son died last month in a tragic accident. He loved his family, friends, and basketball, and he was a kind, sweet kid. It is still hard to believe that he is gone, and my heart aches for my dear friend T.

What do you do when the unthinkable happens? What do you say?

I couldn't be there with her, so I sewed. And sewed. And sewed.

Snuggle-testers at work.

I cut the fabric 1-2 years ago with plans to make a plus quilt using the same Jeni Baker pattern I used for this one. I laid the squares out on top of the original plus quilt, which made the layout go quick and easy. For the backing I used the new 108" Free Fall quilt backing by Tula Pink. It is soft with a satin-like finish. I bought it on sale from my favorite local online shop, Del Ray Fabrics. (Spoiler: I bought it in gray, too, for the Husband of the Year/Doe quilt.) I love it, and it made this quilt come together very quickly.

H. Quilt burrito.

I am wrapping my friend in a quilt hug. And I am holding her in my heart until I can hold her in my arms.

Pilar, helping me bind.

Summer Recap -- and Finishes!

Cotton + Steel Plus Quilt

I finally have some finishes, including three on my Finish Along list!

A couple weekends ago I attended my first ever retreat, hosted by the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It was spectacular. A beautiful location near Harpers Ferry, WV. Fun and inspiring women. Lots of sewing time.

Pieced backing for C+S Plus Quilt

I quilted and bound the baby-sized Cotton + Steel plus quilt. I pieced a back for the throw-sized Cotton + Steel plus quilt -- and then basted it. I finally basted my Priory Square "Boxed In" quilt (pattern by Jaybird Quilts).

I also cut and started piecing a quilt using the Doe line by Carolyn Friedlander. This one is another pattern by Jaybird Quilts from the book, Skip the Borders: Easy Patterns for Modern Quilts. The quilt in the book is made up in black, white and greens. I have to admit, I didn't love Doe when I first saw it, and I didn't love this quilt pattern, either. But I had a hunch that they were meant for each other. What do you think?

Doe quilt

Originally I took out the orange print but I'm really glad I added it back in. It really pops, doesn't it? I've been won over by both Doe and this pattern. In fact, I love this quilt so much I'm giving it to my husband. I'm calling this one the "husband of the year" quilt. He earned it.

Since the retreat I have managed to finish both the Cotton + Steel and the Priory Square quilts! I've also finished the Doe top. So yeah, I've been doing a fair amount of sewing!

Priory Square "Boxed In" Quilt

Earlier this summer I visited a dear friend in beautiful Minneapolis, and then spent a week with my family at Lake Ontario in upstate New York. We go every summer but this year was especially fun. The good weather probably had something to do with it, and the boys are at "easier" ages... But I also went into vacation determined to have a good time and I swear it helped. Usually I get so stressed out that my husband doesn't want to do the things I want to do, or that the way we live is different from how my parents live. I'm a people pleaser and I live by "when in Rome," you know? This summer I just let everyone be. If we used up the paper towels? Who cares! If I wanted to swim and no one else did? I swam alone. And it was glorious. There was no sewing time on either trip, but there were trips to fabric stores. If you're ever in Minneapolis, I highly recommend Crafty Planet!

Lake Ontario

And that, friends, is a wrap. Happy summer, lovelies!

Linking to Finish it up Friday at Crazy Mom Quilts and TGIFF at My Quilt Infatuation.

Back to Square One

Uuuuuuuuugh. I have been making a lot of mistakes lately.

First there's the non-progress on my Anna Maria Horner Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Back in February I picked up some gray-ish/taupe-ish fabric for sashing. I cut it up and sashed the quilt. And then it sat. For months. (It is still sitting.) I never got around to adding the top and bottom sashing and finally realized why: because it is UGLY. Not only is the gray/taupe solid a bad color choice, the width of the sashing is all wrong -- way too wide. So now I need to rip it out and start over. This time I'm tempted to just sew the scrap columns together without sashing... Or, sash it with Kona Snow, 2 1/2 inches wide? Another color? I'm open to ideas; what do you think?

Before I ruined it with ugly sashing. 

OK, so then I managed to finish the Priory Square quilt top using the Boxed In pattern from the book Beyond Borders by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts. It looks fantastic. However... there were a lot of piecing errors, and most of them due to my laziness with regards to a 1/4 inch seam. Amateur hour, I know. Fortunately, I was able to square the quilt up and the solid sashing throughout hides my mistakes.

All the pretty boxes!

I wish I could say I learned my lesson with that quilt. Nope. I moved on to expand the Cotton + Steel plus quilt I started many moons ago. I took the perfect square and added columns. And when I tried sewing the new columns to the old square, the seams didn't line up. Not even close. Yep. Now, I do use a guide and while my seams may not always be perfect scant 1/4 inches, usually things DO line up. However, in this case, I used my new machine (Kim Gordon) to piece the new columns... and I had used my old machine (Kitty) to piece the original square. Different machines, different guides. I just wasn't thinking.

The original baby-sized square with pretty seams.

I got verrrrrry familiar with my seam ripper this past week. I wanted to forge ahead with the project and disregard the mistakes. I tried to get comfortable with that path. But--and I think this is a sign of growth--I couldn't do it. So I ripped out the entire new section, but I kept the original square and will finish it off into a baby quilt. Which is what it was originally going to be anyway. And, because I can't get this color story out of my head and I don't want all of those squares to go to waste, I not only retrimmed the new section, I cut out the squares to remake the old section. Once I get it all stitched up I'll still only be halfway done with the new, larger quilt, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

Whew. I wish I could say those were the only mistakes I've made, but there have been others. "Learning opportunities." Uh huh. I'm learning a lot. Hey, I'm happy to report that in between making errors learning opportunities I finally took the time to figure out the needle positions for a perfect 1/4 seam on Kim Gordon. (Side bar: isn't it annoying that a 1/4 inch foot doesn't make a 1/4 seam without some adjusting?!) SUCCESS!

On that note, here's my Quarter 3 Finish List. I've got the DCMQG sewing retreat in August and hope to get some quality stitching, so here's hoping there are a few finishes!

Priory Square quilt (above) -- piecing done; needs to be basted and quilted
Cotton + Steel (baby) plus quilt -- time to baste and quilt that baby!
Cotton + Steel plus quilt (the re-do) -- piecing in progress
AMH greatest hits scrap quilt -- let's not talk about it.

Project Piles:
Natural History twin quilt for M -- pattern picked
AMH mixed up king quilt
Doe strip quilt

Linking up to On the Windy Side for the 2015 Finish Along Q3!

For the love of quilters and unicorns

This.

This quilt is a gift to me from the DC Modern Quilt Guild. It is like a big, quilted hug from new friends. Guild members contributed blocks and Carissa, Vice President of the Guild, coordinated, pieced and quilted it. Every time I look at this quilt, I see something new. I am so thankful to have found this quilty home in the DCMQG.

Isn't this bag amazing? Do you see the tiny square of green? LOVE.

Before my diagnosis (breast cancer -- read more from here) I had participated only sparingly in the Guild. I didn't know more than a few of our members. One of the unexpected gifts of my treatment is that by standing out (hello, bald head), I was able to connect with people. I let down my guard, told my story, and let people in. I made friends! It has been so fun getting to know other people who love quilting. The DCMQG has been a not insignificant part of my recovery -- connecting offline, having the meetings to look forward, and finally attending a meeting before my final treatment, and again after it.

My first mom -- a quilter and a beautiful life lost to breast cancer -- loved unicorns. One of my last memories of her is that she had a stuffed unicorn beside her bed. I don't know what meaning unicorns had for her, but they will always remind me of her and our connection. Seeing the unicorn in this quilt was, well, pretty awesome.

In my twenties I sang in a band (don't get too excited -- we weren't very good; but thank you Sister and Sister's Friends for actually paying to hear us!). My favorite song of ours--our best song, if I dare say so--was "Unicorn Cat." I wrote it after a vivid dream in which my cat, yep, had a unicorn horn. It inspired a song about dreams, memories, and connecting with lost loved ones through the subconscious.

It began, "I had a dream that I had a unicorn cat..."

But the best verse was this one:
"Elusive memories I trap inside when I close my eyes,
You appear to me in signs.
These glimpses of past and future fading into one,
No consciousness of time."

No, you can't download the song on iTunes. Ha! That's a funny thought. But the guitarist and I are plotting to record it. So we'll see. Crazier things have happened.

Thank you, Carissa and DCMQG, for creating this beautiful quilt for me! It is magical. XOXO

Linking up to Quilty Thankful Thursday with so. much. gratitude.

Fabric Frenzy

A favorite pile.

Quilt Market was last week. I've never been, will probably not go (being an amateur quilter and all -- level one forever, baby). Still, it's hard to ignore: for days all of my feeds were full of Quilt Market photos, fabric launches, fabric purchases, fabric designers, fabric giveaways, fabric, fabric, fabric. It was too much, really. Don't get me wrong, I love fabric! I love print and color and seeing what people are making. Yet I am increasingly feeling overwhelmed by all of it, and no longer sure what my likes and dislikes are. 

My Guild, DCMQG, is in the middle of a zipper pouch swap. Swaps are nerve-wracking, in my opinion (what if they don't like what I make?! What if they request something beyond my skills?! What if...?!), but I'm challenging myself to be a participator because I love this Guild. Anyway, swaps always get me thinking about my favorite designers and fabrics and whether I could name one print as being my absolute favorite.

Could you? Do you have a favorite fabric?

When I started sewing I fell madly in love with Anna Maria Horner and her Field Study and Loulouthi lines. The throw quilt that sits on my bed remains my favorite quilt. I've started re-stashing many of the prints because the quilt brings me so much joy. Along the way, though, I've realized there are a few prints I can do without. And while I love all of them together, I'm not sure I could single out one print as my favorite.  

Pilar on her (our) favorite quilt.

I used to get so much joy out of fantasy fabric shopping. I'd visit my favorite online shops and fill up my cart with all of the prints. Echino, Anna Maria Horner, Lizzy House, Michael Miller novelty prints (I am a sucker for a good novelty print)... I still do this, usually lured in by a good sale, but it's more stressful and less fun. I am hyper-aware of how much fabric I've accumulated (still a fairly small stash, I think/hope), and I'm self-conscious about my choices. Do I love it, or is it just a fad? I'm often not sure.

At the last DCMQG meeting I sat next to Mary Fons (Mary Fons!). She was working on a beautiful baby quilt of tiny nine-patches, sashed in black. Her fabrics were small-scale prints, the sort of prints I don't usually buy. Her quilting style is so unequivocally hers, it got me thinking about my own style and taste. And there I was, blazing through the quilting on a self-described rush job -- a baby quilt I had whipped up quickly without much consideration for design. And the quilt I showed to the group? My Cotton + Steel plus quilt, still in progress. I was a little embarrassed by how faddish it seemed.

So I've realized: I've been coasting through my quilting. Making without a lot of intention, rushing to the finish (I love the finish). Don't get my wrong, I've made a lot of beautiful things and I am proud of them. I've chosen some really lovely fabrics. And my sewing has improved with the practice I've gotten from all of this making. But I think it's time to find my quilting voice.

I've started cutting the fabric for a quilt that will be a gift to a dear family member. I took a lot of time deciding on the pattern ("Boxed In" by Julie Herman of Jaybird Quilts, included in her book Skip the Borders), and I love the fabric I've chosen (Priory Square by Katy Jones) and I know she will, too.

Getting things squared away. Ha! 

But once I finish this project, I'm going to take a break from projects with self-imposed deadlines. I'm going to try to take some time to experiment and make what I love, and sew what I have. Which probably means a lot of simple patchwork with squares. For starters, I'm imagining a very large, king-sized quilt of 10-inch squares of my favorite Anna Maria Horner prints... OK, I admit it, I pulled that pile pictured at the top of this post expressly for the King quilt project. Seeing all the colors together makes me so happy. I should also finish my Greatest Hits scrap quilt. Greatest Hits = many favorites. And I'd like to finish the aforementioned Cotton + Steel plus quilt. It's not ALL Anna Maria Horner around here, after all. Heck, I've got a really pretty pile of Natural History by Lizzy House that is destined for M's bed, you know, when I get to it. And one thing I'm sure about? HE will love it.

So, OK, I have some favorite designers, and maybe some favorite fabric combinations. I even have a favorite quilt. But I haven't found my one favorite fabric yet. Let me know if you find yours. I might try applying Marie Kondo's rules and ask myself of each print in my stash: Does this fabric spark my joy? It just might work.

Come On, Get Happy!

My little guy is always looking for a smile. "You happy, mommy?" he asks. "Yes, I'm happy!" I reply, no matter what I was just thinking or if I was frowning. He grins and hugs me, and I am healed. In those moments I remember it really can be that easy to be happy.

And I am really happy. Do you see the bow I am wearing?! Is it not amazing?!

2015 has already been a pretty big year, between my surgery and treatments, turning 40, and celebrating 15 great years with the Husband. Through it all we've been surrounded by love and friendship. The really, really good stuff. My job continues to be amazing, stimulating and supportive. Our house is a home. My family is healthy and happy. My head is surprisingly round and smooth, and chemo made my skin beautiful! I have many reasons to be happy.

So this weekend we celebrated life and love with a party that brought our friends together, new and old. My brother, sister and brother-in-law drove down to be with us. I hired a dear friend, Lisa at This Calls for a Party, to plan and host the event. And we partied! (A little too hard, if we're honest -- yesterday was a sloooooow day.) My one regret is that we couldn't bring ALL of our friends together.

My cancer diagnosis was really, really shitty. Chemo was really, really shitty. Surgery was no picnic. The doctors appointments continue to seem endless. There are two more surgeries and a lifetime of surveillance ahead of me. It wouldn't be hard to focus on the pain, the inconvenience, the what-ifs... But I refuse to be held hostage by fear. So when H asks if I'm happy, I smile. And magically, I am transported to happiness.

You happy? 

Digging a little deeper -- on community

I joined the BRCA Sisterhood, a private Facebook group for women who have a BRCA mutation or other hereditary breast or ovarian cancer(s). 

I know, I just said the other day that I wasn't looking to connect with other survivors. 

But the conversation I had with my colleague has stayed with me. Why have I resisted connecting with other women going through similar experiences?

I was afraid to admit this, but I think in part I fear being surrounded by cancer. I don't want cancer to define me, and yes--I am afraid of cancer. I want to run as far away from it, as fast as I can. 

A few weekends ago I attended my first DC Modern Quilt Guild meeting of the year. I joined the Guild almost two years ago but hadn't mentally committed to participate until recently. Earlier this year I started engaging with other members on Instagram. They embraced me, even though only a few could probably remember ever meeting me! And when I started documenting my cancer journey, they supported me. The Guild President sent me coffee and fabric for a head scarf. The Vice President reached out by email to check on me. And members cheered me on as I moved from surgery to chemo to recovery.

Attending the meeting in April felt like a homecoming. I nearly burst into tears, walking into the room, hugging friends I hadn't met in person before. Community is amazing. 

That's the thing I do need: community. And I am grateful to have found it in different places--work, home, with friends, online, at DCMQG. Within these communities are, of course, other survivors. But the nature of our community is different. Our relationships aren't defined by cancer. That feels significant. 

I don't know what my participation will be like in the BRCA Sisterhood... but I am going to give it a try. Already it is clear that the group provides tremendous support to each other, to women at all stages of the journey. They are there if I need them and heck, I may have something to offer as well.

I haven't figured it all out, but I'm getting there. It's a process, right?

Ring the bell

I am done with chemo! Done, done, done! 

"Ring this bell

Three times well

A toll to clearly say

This treatment's done

My course is run

And I am on my way"

Sure, by tomorrow I will be feeling crappy and sure, I'll miss out on a beautiful weekend, and sure, it'll be another 10days before coffee tastes good again, and sure, I still have two surgeries* to complete... but hey--I AM DONE! No more chemo!

This is big, right? There have been moments on this journey--heck a lot of moments--when it just didn't feel real. Right now it feels a bit like a movie. Like it's not happening to me. I am fine, I am healthy, I don't have cancer, what is happening?! But then I tell myself it is real. This is real. It isn't a stunt, it's not a movie, this is actually my life. How did that happen? (Don't answer that. I know: BRCA.)

Back in the fall, before the diagnosis, I had dinner with two of my closest friends. I was telling them that I was going to have a mammogram and how I wasn't worried, just routine, cancer was my mom's story, it isn't mine. (Are you cringing because you know how that ended?!) The truth is, her story has always been my story. Her cancer -- and subsequent death -- is a defining chapter in my life. Finding out I had the BRCA mutation, that my mom likely had the BRCA mutation, was freeing. It explained this awful thing that happened to me. Not my cancer, my mom's cancer. If I had to have cancer myself to find that out, so be it. 

A colleague asked me the other day if I had connected with other survivors. "No," I quickly said. And then I stumbled to say why not. I hadn't thought about why not! (Why hadn't I thought about it?!) So I gave a rambling explanation that focused on these three things, all true:

--My prognosis was always excellent.

--I'm HAPPY and in a great place emotionally to handle a crisis.

--I have an awesome support network. (Thank you, village!)

But the most truthful answer, the one I just now figured out, on this last day of chemotherapy, is this: I have already survived cancer. It made me who I am. I've got 32 years of survivorship! I've GOT this. 

Suck it, chemo. 

*Two more surgeries: one to get my new boobs, one to remove my ovaries. Addition, subtraction. 

Sewing and other things

It's been a while! Time for an update. I've managed to sew a fair amount over the past month, but I've not taken any good photos. Do bad photos hold you back? I have serious angst about my poor photography, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I know, right now I can cut myself some slack (hello, chemotherapy, people!), but eventually I have got to do something about the bad photos. But I digress.

BABIES are coming!

Storytime Squares Baby Quilt

I've sewn three quilt tops for babies in less than a month. I finally finished quilting the first one (above), and I am really proud of it. I densely quilted straight-ish (cough, cough) lines and while it took FOREVER, it gave the quilt such an amazing texture. And it got even better after I washed it. I paired some adorable animal prints by Creative Thursday (Za Za Zoo line) with some Anna Maria Horner florals (a few from Pretty Potent and one Honor Roll print). I love them together! The recipient has done some work in Africa and I noticed both elephants and giraffes on her registry, so I think this will be a hit.

This was my first time sewing the Storytime Squares quilt by Made by Rae and I liked it well enough to make it again. It was more time consuming than my standbys, but when I'm not in a rush to meet a deadline that's okay. Would I do the dense quilting again? As much as I love the result, the time commitment is really daunting. So probably not any time soon.

Aren't these zebras adorable?

Do you have go-to baby quilt patterns? I love the charms baby quilt pattern by Elizabeth Hartman who blogs at Oh, Fransson! Her blog is currently under construction but you can see other quilts using the pattern here. I have made close to a dozen baby quilts using this pattern. It's quick, easy, and looks great. For the next baby quilt I pulled out the Za Za Zoo prints in blues and yellows and added in my favorite Michael Miller dot and a Lizzy House pearl bracelet. This quilt is for my cousin who is expecting her first baby, a boy.

Eek, this top needs a pressing!

I used some of the leftovers to make two bibs and backed them with flannel from my first son's receiving blankets. (A friend recently told me the bibs I made are "the best bibs" they have. I'm not sure what makes them great, but if you're looking for a simple pattern try this one by Rachel Measham-Pywell for Sew Mama Sew.)

Wouldn't this zebra print make some awesome baby pants?

Did I mention that I won the Creative Thursday fabric I used for those two quilts? A little over a year ago Marisa hosted a giveaway on her blog and my number came up on the random generator! Hooray! In addition to this adorable fat quarter bundle, she sent me an original painting, two books and a few other cute things. What an awesome prize. It took me a long time to figure out how to use the fabric, but once I divided the prints by color I was able to formulate a plan.

The third baby quilt is a simple strip quilt for a friend who loves yellow and doesn't know the gender of her baby. I don't have a lot of yellow, so I bought a Cotton + Steel basic to pair with the cute moon bunnies print in the Mochi line by Rashida Coleman Hale. I added in some white and another Cotton + Steel print. It's not a "wow" quilt, but I think she'll like the simplicity -- and the yellow. Plus, I put together a Divided Basket by Anna @Noodlehead with more yellow and more bunnies and some Essex linen in denim. I love the result! Have you sewn this pattern yet? Because it is one of the best patterns out there. Don't take my word for it; give it a try!

Bunny Divided Basket (you can see the strip quilt in the background)

All of the baby gifts are due in April, so I've really got to get quilting. The finished Storytime Squares quilt will be gifted tomorrow at a surprise baby shower for my coworker. I won't be there (chemo #3 -- see this post) but I'm really excited to hear how it is received. Making a quilt for a coworker I don't know well feels a little presumptuous and perhaps too generous? But I love making baby quilts and I know she'll appreciate the gesture.

And I'm just realizing that I am missing all three of the showers because chemo. Oh well. There will be many other opportunities to celebrate these babies!

And that's it. That's the sum total of my sewing lately. This first quarter of 2015 I completed just two out of five projects on my Finish-A-Long list. I missed the deadline to link them up, but I'll go ahead and claim them here anyway!

Q1 Finishes:

1. Scrappy, wonky star pillow

2. The Unicorn Quilt

Q1 Unfinishes: 

1. Anna Maria Horner Greatest Hits scrappy coin quilt.

2. Priory Square Quilt for someone dear.

3. Echino bird mini quilt. 

I got a little off track at the beginning of the quarter and started a Cotton + Steel plus quilt, but I'm glad I followed my inspiration because it is a project I really love. And while I really should have anticipated the baby quilts (I'd have had a third finish!), I've now gotten a jump on two entries for Quarter Two. Go me!

Q2 Finish-A-Long List:

1. ZaZa Zoo charm square baby quilt for baby boy.

2. Cotton + Steel strip quilt for a friend's baby.
3. Anna Maria Horner greatest hits scrappy coin quilt -- I need to square it up and add the top and bottom borders, and then quilt this baby.
4. Cotton + Steel plus quilt -- Finishing this is a stretch, as I've got only one quarter done, and most likely I'll only get another quarter done by the end of June.
5. Priory Square quilt -- the fabric is collecting dust while I waffle over what design to use. So this is a BIG stretch.
6. Echino bird mini quilt. I made some progress in Q1 and just need to decide on how to finish it. So maybe?

Past the halfway point

Wow, it's been quiet here. I've been thinking about writing, but not doing the writing.

I've reached the halfway point! Actually, I've past it. Tomorrow is my third chemo treatment (out of four). Today I am happy and feeling great. Today is the last day in what I've dubbed "the 10 days of awesome" -- the period when I feel normal again, before doing it all over again. I am grateful to have celebrated my birthday (40!) and my anniversary (15 years of love!) and Easter (with family!) while feeling absolutely great. It was just what I needed to get ready to do it all over again. 

So, to kick off round 3, I'm going to let you in on the not so nice part of this experience. Here, friends, is the update I shared with the village following round 2. I'm happy to say things look and feel different two weeks later, but I know I'll be getting very familiar with the ugly again, this weekend.

And soon, friends, there will be the long overdue sewing update. Because incredibly, I have managed to do a fair amount.


********

The second treatment was harder than the first. Chemo is not for wimps! I’ll say upfront: I’m OK, I’ll be OK, but writing this while in the aftermath of chemo means you’re getting a glimpse at the ugly and not all rainbows and sunshine. 

I've been thinking a lot about language. I had cancer, not I have cancer. It's a subtle distinction that means a lot at a time when I am desperate to feel normal.

Just a reminder: the doctors removed the cancer with surgery, and since the tests show no signs of cancer in my lymph nodes, they declared me cancer free. The chemo is purely extra credit. I'm not treating any cancer, and there won't be any tests to take at the end to tell me I’m cured. The chemo is only to decrease my risk of a recurrence.

My balding head and days in bed make it hard even for me to comprehend. When I had cancer, I looked healthy. Now that the cancer is gone, I look and feel sick. 

Truthfully, no one can guarantee the cancer is gone. But I'm not willing to say "I might have cancer" until my 50th birthday (doctors use 10 year survival statistics). That's depressing! 

What's also depressing: my itchy, patchy, balding head. My three year old asking why daddy threw my hair away. Spending an entire weekend in bed and not on the playground with my boys. The white film on my tongue that I scrub and scrub and won’t go away -- and that makes everything taste bad. Feeling so crummy you can't help your amazing husband (who does everything and sweetly tells you it’s so you don’t have to worry). Turning 40 in two weeks and not wanting to celebrate because you look and feel terrible.

It can't be all sunshine all the time. The good news is I will be feeling better in a few days. Food will taste good again. I’ll get a good night’s sleep, put on sparkly eye shadow, and go to the office. I'll regain my optimism and courage before I have to sit in the chair and do this all over again. Two more times. I can do it.

#100Days of Chemo

I've been wanting to write an update about my sewing, but I haven't been sewing very much. I did manage to piece a baby quilt, but I have no good photos. I've also made some progress on my scrappy Anna Maria Horner "Greatest Hits" coin quilt, but I don't have photos of that, either.

No, life here has been consumed by chemo. I'm one week in. Only 11 more weeks to go!

The last few days have been hard. The side effects I anticipated have mostly been mild. Some queasiness, some fatigue, achiness from the vitamin shot. Add to that interrupted sleep, an itchy scalp and a persistent bad taste in mouth, ruining everything I try to eat or drink. I just don't feel like myself. I know it's unreasonable to expect to feel "good" during chemo, but I hadn't considered how several days of feeling off physically would impact me emotionally. I feel anxious not knowing what's coming next. Will I feel better in the two weeks before my next infusion? Will the next cycle be worse? I'm angry that I had a tiny, stage 1 cancer and I'm subjecting my body to this torture. I've complained endlessly about my "chemo mouth," when I am generally not a complainer.  I've snapped at friends who were just trying to help or just  being nice, because I just want to be normal.

But there is good news. I am enjoying a cup of coffee today for the first time in a week. And I'm thus determined to have a great day. To focus on the big picture instead of the discomforts of the next 77 days. 

It's another snow day here in the nation's capital. I'd love to get the boys outside to enjoy the snow. We don't spend enough time in nature. It's criminal. I'd also love to get out some paint. It's grandma's birthday; maybe some card making? And there is sewing to do. I've got three baby quilts to make in April. Yikes. 

Happy Friday! 

Hair.

My long hair is now short. And by the time I get used to seeing myself with this cut, my hair will be gone.

I haven't had short hair in 13 years. The fear that I wouldn't like it, knowing it would take so many months to grow back, always holds me back.

One of my strongest memories of my first mom is the day she cut her hair. She had long, straight, beautiful golden hair. When she came home from the salon with a shoulder-length shag cut -- it was the early 1980's -- I sobbed. Big, heavy sobs.

Losing my hair is the part of this whole cancer saga I've dreaded the most. The doctors try to reassure me, "This isn't your mother's chemo!" (Note: I think when they say this that they momentarily forget my mom was a real person who was treated with chemo) -- but they are quick to add I will still lose my hair. And based on some ill-advised internet research, the other side effects aren't fun, either. Body aches, BONE aches, fatigue, nails falling out...

Nope. This isn't my mom's chemo, but it won't be a walk in the park, either. Of course, after reading this Los Angeles Times editorial (and necessary critique of breast cancer awareness trumping investments in research) by Laurie Becklund, I'm more determined than ever to get my A in cancer recovery. Because wow. While chemotherapy, treatment and diagnosis may have improved in the past 30 years, there's still a heck of a lot more to do before we can keep women truly safe.

This morning I told my kids I'd be getting a hair cut. "No, mommy! But you won't look like you!" M said. Fortunately he recovered by the end of the day and proclaimed the cut a success. And just as he's getting comfortable with the new mommy, we'll talk about the next mommy: bald mommy. Kids are resilient, I know. It still sucks.

I admit, it feels nice to have short hair. And while it will take many months to grow my hair back to this length, it will take a lot less time than it would to grow my long hair back.

She's here! It's a Janome Skyline!

She's here! Meet Kim Gordon, my new Janome Skyline S5!

Oh, she is such a dream. The 1/4 in piecing foot is accurate! She has auto tension control! There is an adorable bow stitch!

Look at all of those stitches! And the auto-thread cutter!

Just imagine the labels I could make!

I love Kitty, my Brother CS6000i. She is the machine who helped me learn and fall in love with sewing and quilting. She showed me how easy and satisfying it can be to make something beautiful. She has her own set of fancy stitches. And, perhaps her best feature, she is so lightweight! An excellent travel companion.

But Kitty has her flaws. She struggles with accuracy. Her throat space and lighting are lacking. I've fiddled with her thread tension endlessly, sometimes to no avail. She's kept pace with me as best as she can, but it's time to make room for a new family member.

Yes, it is a very good day to be snowed in. A VERY good day!

Okay, I've got to go now. Kim Gordon and I are still getting acquainted. But so far I can say this: her name suits her. She is BADASS.

The Big Update

I'm having a hard time writing this update. So I am just going to paste in the email I sent to a few friends last night. I'm feeling different today, but I can't talk about it just yet. So this will have to do for now. Happy snow day. Xoxo

Hi all--

I'll cut to the chase: I start chemo next week. I feel... Okay. Alternating between fine and angry. Did some angry sewing earlier (a baby quilt--hope it doesn't pass on to the baby!). Drank some wine. Ate some chocolate. It helps a little.

The cancer is stage 1 (0-4 scale; my type starts at 1 because it is considered invasive so stage 1 is the best I could hope for), so I am starting with a great prognosis. They now do personalized testing to determine risk of recurrence and responsiveness to additional treatment. This is the testing I've been waiting on since surgery.

I scored 25 on the oncotype test (read more here: http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/testing/types/oncotype_dx), which is right in the middle of the "intermediate" (ambiguous) range. So I have a 16% chance of cancer recurring (elsewhere) if I do tamoxifen (standard, hormonal therapy for my kind of cancer) alone, or I can add chemo and reduce the risk to maybe 10-11%. In other words, if i just do tamoxifen, there's an 84% chance I will be cancer free in 10 years. If I add chemo, 90% chance I'll be cancer free. It doesn't sound like much of a difference, but it is much easier to treat and "cure" it now than to wait and treat a cancer that may develop. Because once it is elsewhere... You know the rest. (And while it wasn't in my lymph nodes, there's no guarantee they just didn't see a cell...)

As Husband quipped, it's like going from a B to an A-. Which was both funny and helpful because I am definitely the person who would go for the A- over a B! Heck, let's try for the A.

Anyway, the doctor offered us time to consider, another mtg to discuss, but I said let's just do it. Get it done! I asked if he would encourage his daughter to do it and he said, I think sincerely, yes. So I had blood drawn today and next week I'll have a port put in and then next Thursday I start. Assuming my plastic surgeon clears me (but we assume so because I am 4weeks post surgery this Wednesday).

We met the social worker. She gave us books for the boys which we probably won't use; "mommy has cancer" is not a sentence I want to say out loud. Mommy needs medicine and will have a bald head, fine. But I want to laugh about how funny that is. I am not dying, I don't feel sick. And they are LITTLE! Too little. So we are going to normalize it as much as possible. 

We saw the infusion room which is a big room with chairs around the perimeter. The infusions take @3-4 hours! The doctor said how I react to the first one will likely be how I react to future infusions. So that's good to know. 

I will have 4 infusions -- the least they do. There is roughly three weeks in between each one so it'll be about 12 weeks until I'm done. 

I don't know when I'll lose my hair. A few weeks in, I assume. I get a prescription for a good wig. Bald for my 40th! 

After chemo I will start the tamoxifen and take it until my ovaries and tubes come out. (Most women take it 5-10 years but I won't need it if I have no ovaries producing hormones.)

Thanks for all of your calls, visits, letters, emails, food, carpooling, babysitting, etc. I am so grateful. Thanks, as well, for treating me like a normal person. I won't make it through this if we can't laugh, if we can't have fun. My family won't make it through if we don't laugh and have fun! I don't want to cry over my lost hair (although I probably will). I do want to yell about it, and then I want to laugh about it. So you better be ready to crack some jokes and try on some wigs with me!

Love, c

Sunday Stash -- My Fabric Binge

I love fabric and color, print and pattern. It has been hard to resist buying all of the new fabric out there. Because there is so. much. loveliness. Since I've managed to amass quite the stash in just the last few weeks, I'm linking up for my first time ever to Sunday Stash hosted by Molli Sparkles.

I've had lots of time on my hands to dream of sewing, so my sister's friends sent me a gift certificate to Fabricworm, my first favorite online fabric shop. When I was just starting to sew, I would spend hours pinning fabric from Fabricworm to my Pinterest boards. (Now I spend that time sewing. Or buying fabric.) I spent the gift certificate the day it arrived.

Cotton + Steel overload!

Meanwhile, in recovery land, I developed an Instagram addiction. (Instaddiction?) And saw Stitch Supply Co., a new fabric shop, advertising a launch sale. So I bought some more. (You should check them out! What a great new indy shop to support!)

That beautiful AMH fat quarter (top) was a freebie!

And then my online cart at Stash Fabrics filled up with Anna Maria Horner prints I needed (NEEDED!). But I had too much fabric-buying guilt to click through to checkout. So my BFF sent me a gift certificate. She freely admits she is an enabler. So I bought it all. Free shipping with a $50 purchase, and you can buy quarter yards!

AM Horner goodness plus one Doe by C. Friedlander, one Mesa by Alexia Abegg!

But really... the whole fabric buying frenzy started with this haul from the Intrepid Thread:

Honor Roll meets Pretty Potent by AM Horner

I love the Intrepid Thread! I ripped open this package so quickly you missed the sweet handwritten note and the two free charm squares they threw in -- they come with every order! This pile might not look like much, but this is serious yardage. I usually buy half-yards but these Pretty Potent prints were on super sale so I bought whole yards, people. Helpful for a project I'm working on. You'll see soon.

At this point I have more fabric than ideas or space. I'm not proud of all of the shopping I've been doing (hangs head in shame), but I'm going to choose to think of this as the Pile of Potential. And isn't it pretty? The Pretty Pile of Potential.

There probably won't be any more fabric shopping for a while. I'm feeling better and we've got sewing to do. Plus, there just might be a fancy new sewing machine coming home soon...

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/13602733/?claim=92ztmf2bd96">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>